Welcome to Tuesday Tips, the weekly guide to staying positive. This week we have a selection of Dos and Don’ts, brought to you by the Austin City Limits music festival (full picture set here). ACL is a 3-day outdoor concert of love, debauchery and genuine Austin friendliness, and you can bet I’ll be there again next year! Here are a few things the weekend taught me. Unsurprisingly, many involve urination.
1. Do show some skin.
If you have a badass tattoo but it’s covered by your clothes, just cut a hole out so everyone can see it!
2. Do illegal things as legally as possible.
Example? Illegal U-turn. Use your turn signal.
3. Do bring a decoy to get through the bag check.
A teenager works best. While they get searched head to toe, you and your non-factory-sealed water bottles can breeze through. (You could also take advice from the guy in the rainbow Speedo pictured above and order factory sealed caps from Amazon).
4. Do bring an umbrella.
For the rain, the sun, or to fly through the crowd like Mary Poppins.
5. And bring a tarp.
Shower curtains make excellent picnic blankets after a day of rain.
6. Do make sure the porta potty lid is up before popping a squat.
Or you’ll pee on your pants. And while we’re on the topic, get those squats in at the gym. They really do help in those not-so-fresh situations.
7. Make your own luck.
If you want to have fun, be fun! As my friend Magen suggests, “Create happiness and love everywhere you go! That always guarantees a good time.”
8. Do have a selfishly charitable scheme to get where you want to go.
Want to get to the front row? Ask every person in front of you with a can of beer for their pop tab. It’s for UNICEF!
9. Do bring poppers.
If you have to poop, consider utilizing these so you don’t take 15 minutes in the porta potty.
10. Do or die.
Do what you gotta do to have fun. (Thanks Molly!)
11. Don’t wait until you’re about to pee your pants to stand in the 30 minute porta potty line.
If you’re going to pee your pants, don’t cut in line. Just go behind the garbage corral!
12. Don’t be a little bitch.
You can rest when you’re dead. Try this mantra: “I’m the shit!” (Thanks Kenny!)
13. And don’t wear flip flops in the mud.
You’ll lose them. And you’ll have mud stains from ass to ankle.
14. Don’t have sex at the club.
Life lessons here, y’all.
15. Don’t give a shit.
You know honey badger don’t give a shit! Try this mantra: “I don’t care!”
16. Don’t forget – what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger!
A hardcore weekend may leave you feeling a little drained by Monday morning. Just breathe deeply, smile and keep up the good work. More fun is coming your way!
Thank you to all my friends who made ACL 2012 so amazing. Thank you Kristy (aka Big Squirt), Sparky, Bubble Boy, Baby Badger, Marv, Ben, Rick, Molly, Lisa, Stephanie, Adam, Mark, Eddie, Kenny, Stephen, Kimberly (slash Amber) and everyone else in da crew! I love you all so much!