My Extremely Embarrassing Coming Out Story

My Extremely Embarrassing Coming Out Story

whatthefuck

I have $227 in my checking account. I have over $60,000 in debt. Student loans, credit cards. I've been trying to "make it big" for about three years now. When I left grad school, I decided I was going to Be An Entrepreneur.

My plan? Work on my website. Sell information products. Be wild and crazy and not give a fuck.

Somewhere along the way I forgot how to be wild and crazy. Sure, I can still drink and drug you under the table, but that's not exactly the kind of wild and crazy to build a business on.

I stopped speaking up. I write my little self-help articles, but I never really give any details as to how I learned my assorted self-help tips. I just publish "Smile and let go!" and expect to be rewarded with thousand dollar donations.

I haven't stirred anything up in a long time. I'm too attached to my safe little life in my safe little apartment with my safe little workout routine.

But sooner or later I'm either going to have to do something different or start asking for help paying my bills.

--

I tell myself, I'm awesome for doing what I'm doing! I'm winning! I'm following my bliss! But am I? What the fuck is my bliss?

My bliss would be to not care what my parents think. To not care if they knew how terribly off I am financially. To not care if they knew the real me. The one who smokes pot and makes rape jokes. The one who sleeps with a girl and sometimes a boy. At the same time.

My bliss would be to stop using my credit cards and spend money I felt good about making. My bliss would be to not worry about how I'm going to pay the rent. My bliss would be to air all my shit in the open so I don't have to live another day in fear of what my friends will think of me when they find out I can't afford a new pair of sneakers.

But I could buy a new pair and put them on my new Nordstrom card and keep smiling and pretending I have some imaginary trust fund.

Or I can decide to be honest. What's the difference? We're all going to die. We're not going to remember this.

I told my friend at the gym this morning, "Just make a decision. Either quit doing what you're doing or decide to enjoy it." I know when I start giving advice it's time to start taking it.

So here's my decision. I'm not going to give a flying fuck what you think about me. Mom and Dad, I love you so much, but I can't live my life in fear of what you think of me. My dear friends, I love you so much, but I can't live my life in fear of what you think of me.

I don't really know how to not live my life in fear of what you think of me, but writing this seems like as good a start as any.

Jessica Mullen

Living the magick life.

28 COMMENTS
  • Lauren

    I can’t even express how awed I am by your bravery.

  • Mia Moore

    Jessica,

    You are such an inspiration to me and your financial state or lifestyle choices don’t change that! Get that fear out of your head, girl — it’s irrational and I think you realize that ;)

    I think being honest about your problems and fears is really helpful for finding a solution to them. To me, LoA stuff is all about meeting the universe in the middle. It’s about telling the universe, here is what I need help with, but also working hard to make it easier for the universe to give that to you. If you aren’t honest with yourself, then you aren’t doing your full part. Sometimes you need to acknowledge the issue before the solution — otherwise, how do you know what you really need? It’s like you said, you want to follow your bliss… but what is your bliss?

    I think this is exactly what you need to get to your next level. I think this is exactly right for you, right now… and I know it’ll all work out.

    I hope this all made sense! I love you and I know so many others whose lives you have touched. We’re all here to support you. You’re doing great. :)

  • E

    Thank you for this. And please don’t be embarrassed. I’ve been a follower of yours for a couple years (can’t even remember how I found you). I liked how you articulated the idea of owning our lives and emotions, and being the Creators of our destinies. But at some point I felt like your posts became a lot of fluff with no real material I could walk away with… other than, “Does she really live on another planet? How do I apply any of this to my own life?”

    This has been the first post that has felt really truly honest to me where I’ve walked away with something meaningful, even if it’s just a deeper understanding of another human being, which I really do think is one of the most meaningful pursuits we can have. So thanks, this post means a LOT to one of your random anonymous followers (stalkers?!) on the Internet.

    -E

  • sunny

    i. love. you. i love you. i love you. i love you.

    i LOVE you
    i love YOU
    I LOVE YOU.

    you are magic and loving and wonderful and you grow every single day. you are growing every day into jessica. into you. into the amazing human that you were meant to be.

    i love you.

  • kat

    jessica, you are great! i think you helped a so many people. please carry on with what you do. maybe part-time from now on, with another little job covering your rent. i am very proud of you and i am sure that you will be rewarded one day… hope this day will come very soon, in the near future. i keep my fingers crossed for you.

    feel hugged by yours kat :)

  • Annie

    Jess, it’s hard to admit to stuff like that. Last autumn I hit some hard financial shit which I’m still trying to sort out. It was the most bloody difficult thing I’ve ever done, admitting to those I love I was broke and having problems. You know what? They were great and supported me 100%. I’m a retired controlfreakasaurus – I had to let go of the fact that I could control everything. I can’t. And no-one thought any the less of me. Vulnerable isn’t something I do easily – but it made me. stronger.

    Live your life – so if you smoke pot? Sleep with more than one person? So what? I could say to thine own self be true. There’s a lot of wisdom in that. I for one love relaxing to your meditation videos on Youtube. You have a gorgeous smile that honestly cheers me when I see it.

    I can’t give you your answers – I wish I could. But don’t be afraid to be you; you’ve got balls, lovely. You’re a class act, remember that and remember what you give the rest of us. That’s no minor feat/.

  • Cora Flora

    Dear Jessica,

    You are so brave and amazing and REAL. I really honour that in you!

    I truly feel the tide is turning. Waves of positive change are coming, and in this article you are clearing the way. Opening yourself bravely and surrendering to the flow.

    I see you as a super successful entrepreneur as this year flows forward, and this step of courageous honesty shows you DO help people, you HAVE what it takes, and you ARE powerfully courageous enough to BE YOURSELF. Authenticity is the most inspiring thing to me.

    Thanks for being inspiration and courage catalyst!!!! <3

    Peace, Love, and Incredible Vortex Blessings ~*

    Cora

  • butterflyblue

    oh my sweet…I want to say so many things right now but am a bit too intoxicated for it to come out the way I want. so, expect an email soon!

    until then, know that I am one of your fiercest cheerleaders and will always be rooting for you! NO MATTER WHAT! you’re one of the good ones and you WILL reap the benefits of it. *kisses*

  • Katja

    kisses!

  • novaa

    You’re a badass.

    But I agree with Mia–lately I have been learning to appreciate the LoA in a different, more “mature” way–I’m meeting in the middle. For a long time I thought “Why isn’t ____ that I manifested here already? The FUCK, Universe?!” But then I would ridicule myself for not feeling “flow” or not feeling 100% elated all of the time. Now I’m slowly learning that the beauty of this life is to feel contrast. You can’t go about faking happiness all of the time and get anywhere–for me, it’s more about being PRESENT when you’re feeling WHATEVER YOU’RE FEELING. I think what I’m chasing after now is lucidity, is being present in the now moment, instead of trying to feel joyous all of the time. Although I feel good most of the time, when I feel bad, I just try to breathe and be present. I try to make myself feel better, sure, but I don’t scold myself for feeling bad. As long as you stay present, you grow.

    Thank you for your honesty. It’s nice to know that your life isn’t perfect either, but in its imperfections, it is beautiful. I am glad I know you. I think you’re brave and genuine.

  • sara

    You are beautiful & this is wonderful & i feel almost exactly the same way.

    But i know that nothing really matters because the universe (multiverse?) is so vast & illusory that nothing we can do makes any difference at all in the vast scope of things. So we’re all ok. We’re all going to be ok because we’re all already there.

    <3

  • Rosa

    Jessica dear,

    you’re amazing and an incredible role model. you’re brave and strong and lovely and you’re exactly the person you’re supposed to be. Even if you’re scared, you’re still worthy of love. And even if you do end up Getting A Job for a little while, you can still be happy and you can still feel the universe love you. You’ll still have the little things that give you joy and you’ll still have your sunny smile. Nothing can take that from you ever.

    Your parents are your parents. You are you. If smoking pot doesn’t feel wrong to you and your body, then it’s not wrong. If sleeping with a girl and a boy doesn’t feel wrong to you, then it’s all good!!! You know this and I know you know this. But maybe it’ll make you smile for a stranger on the internet to tell it to you anyway. Be brave. Even if you’re scared that your parents are disappointed in you, you know that you’re a gift to this cosmos and that you could not exist in any other way or as any other person. I, for one, am unspeakably grateful that you are you.

    A big hug from Costa Rica. I really admire you.

  • things i love saturday | Cosmic Outlaw

    […] yoga & med­i­tat­ing most days this week ♥ inspi­ra­tion ♥ orga­ni­za­tion ♥ jes­sica mullen’s amaz­ing brave story ♥ emp­ty­ing the well ♥ game of thrones is tomor­row ♥ scrivener ♥ my […]

  • Flaviena

    You’re making a huge difference in the world just by being you – putting your creativity out there. thats priceless – love from the netherlands – the city almere.

  • jessica mullen

    I have never felt more supported and loved than I do right now. Thank you for continuing to love me. Thank you for helping me see I have something to say just by being me. Thank you for calling me brave!

    Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your kind words. I am so grateful to have you. I am so grateful to be less afraid!

    Mia, your knowing is exactly what I needed to hear. You are so brilliant and always have such a clear perspective. Thank you for encouraging me :]

    E, I’m so glad. I know exactly what you mean. I am relieved to finally do something real.

    Sunny, this: “you are growing every day into jessica. into you. into the amazing human that you were meant to be.” changed my life. Thank you thank you thank you, I love you I love you I love you!

    Kat, thank you for the kind words! I am definitely on the lookout for the solution and am following my inspiration in every moment. I am expecting to collaborate with new clients this week.

    Cora, YES waves of positive change are flowing! They’re already upon us :] Thank you for your vision, and thank you for reflecting that I am surrendering to the flow. Your comment made me lighten up from the core. I didn’t even realize how untrue to myself I had become. Thank you for your words, they really help me understand!

    Novaa, it’s so scary to admit my life isn’t perfect. Like cursing myself. I always thought hiding the imperfections would help more than admitting them, but even still I know that bring things to light is the best way to let them go. Darkness can’t survive in the light. Thank you for your love.

    Sara, yes. Big picture perspective helps so much. It really helps me watch my life like a movie instead of being so trapped in it.

    Rosa, thank you for this: “Even if you’re scared that your parents are disappointed in you, you know that you’re a gift to this cosmos and that you could not exist in any other way or as any other person.” I will read that to myself over and over until I believe it. Thank you for helping me see. You definitely made me smile, and cry! You really hit the nail on the head with that one. <3

    Flaviena, thank you. I am excited to learn what it means to be me :]

  • jessica mullen

    and my beautiful butterflyblue, my heart is swooning for you! thank you for rooting for me, thank you for helping me feel supported and loved and like I’m on a team!! xo

    and katja, xxxxxxx :]

  • jessica mullen

    Annie, your story helped me feel so much better! I am so grateful for the support from my friends. Being vulnerable is I guess my biggest fear – I know what you mean!! Thank you for your honesty and support – the scariest things in life aren’t so bad once they actually happen right? It’s all good. It’s all working out. I’m letting go too :] <3

  • Merel

    <3 !

  • Jered Schue

    Shit, the fact that I even have a workout routine is an eensy little miracle. Comfortable has fuck-all to do with it. Gotta clean this liver somehow.

    So, Yoda, what are you not doing that you should be doing? Perhaps you should set some sort of goal and track your progress right here in the open. Accountability is a powerful motherfucker. Achievement is relentlessly inspiring to others though. So I say we connect both sides of this spiritual accelerator you’re building and turn the damn power on.

    My life is a joke, shit, that’s not even my website, but you’ve made me feel like I can still achieve great things for myself. Looks like you need an alley oop, a little slingshot around the sun.

    What are you gonna do, hey? What’s the goal? What are you gonna promise me that you’ll do for yourself?

  • Ana

    You are so fucking cool Jessica!

    I want to tell you that many times when the going gets tough for me, I turn to your site. I can always find some exercise that takes me again to a good feeling place and I am so grateful for your tips.
    I WANT YOU TO KNOW YOUR WORK HAS SO MUCH VALUE!

    I couldn’t care less about your supposed coming out, you are still so really fucking cool just the way you are, the way you have always been…..

  • jessica mullen

    THANK YOU ANA!!!!! You just put a huge smile on my face. My mantra right now is “I’m so fucking cool.”

    xoxoxoxox!

  • RaNDumGal

    Hey! I just wanted to stream of consciousness some Ideas your way.

    You have nifty designs! Some of them would work well on a coffee mug,t-shirt or mousepad. Cafepress lets you do just that without paying any fees up front. You don’t even have to pay shipping once an order is placed.

    Get some smooth stones (free) and meditate with them and infuse them with positive vibes. Then sell them on etsy (other stuff too!). When people order them they can comment on what’s troubling them. Make a video of you meditating with personalized affirmations.

    Perhaps wear the stone next to your heart or place it on one of your chakras. When you send the stone also send a link to your password protected (assigned to each customer) and personalized video on vimeo.

    You could also infuse a vial of water you’ve scented and include a note as to why you chose that particular scent to go with that particular affirmation. Use natural botanicals if possible. Maybe flowers found in your neck of the woods.

    This allows people to accentuate any spiritual connection they may feel with you through objects and scents associated with positive thoughts.

    Devise a cypher or script similar to elian script to write your handwritten thank yous in (and or affirmations). Provide a translation on the back. I’m sure you could devise something wonderful that would only add to your mystique. Just “google image” elian script to see what I mean. Symbolism is everything!

    Once the cash starts rolling in, you can collect your body of work and self publish a real hold in your hand book with lulu! In some cases you would get a free ISBN that could be used on Amazon for instance.

    In any case you have an elevated level of consciousness that other people respond to. Fashion and strengthen your will so that it is so resolute that reality itself must resonate in accordance with your consciousness!

    You plan to meditate anyway. Use that to your advantage to take care of both your spiritual and physical needs. Allow your fans to participate in your growth, and grow your fanbase at the same time through non-conventional means. I would explain but this post is already long winded.

    Alternately do none of this, yet retain the inspirational message hidden within. You have everything that you need to start a self sustaining financial engine. Your site illustrates this aptly. Now just diversify your interests, spread your wings and fly!

    Let no one, nor nothing tear down the belief you have in yourself! I have seen your soul and it is beautiful!

  • jessica mullen

    Dear RaNDumGal,

    You are magickal and you helped me remember the magick in me. Thank you for every suggestion. Thank you for helping me be a match to solutions. Thank you for being here at the perfect time. Thank you for helping me. I am so so grateful.

  • Allyssa Milan

    You are incredible. Thank you for your wisdom, bravery, and honesty Jessica.

    You are bound for great things. Trust. You’ve set the wheels in motion for an incredible life.

    Keep moving forward.

    <3 allyssa

  • Tim Nguyen

    Amanda Palmer: The art of asking #TED

    http://on.ted.com/tQ1K

  • 17 ways I make magic happen:: websites, the internet, and technology edition | Cosmic Outlaw

    […] it does the exact oppo­site– strength­ens your reserve & opens you up to pos­si­bil­ity. Jes­sica Mullen’s Com­ing out story (& the sub­se­quent posts after), is one of the bravest posts I’ve ever seen […]

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