I have $227 in my checking account. I have over $60,000 in debt. Student loans, credit cards. I've been trying to "make it big" for about three years now. When I left grad school, I decided I was going to Be An Entrepreneur.
My plan? Work on my website. Sell information products. Be wild and crazy and not give a fuck.
Somewhere along the way I forgot how to be wild and crazy. Sure, I can still drink and drug you under the table, but that's not exactly the kind of wild and crazy to build a business on.
I stopped speaking up. I write my little self-help articles, but I never really give any details as to how I learned my assorted self-help tips. I just publish "Smile and let go!" and expect to be rewarded with thousand dollar donations.
I haven't stirred anything up in a long time. I'm too attached to my safe little life in my safe little apartment with my safe little workout routine.
But sooner or later I'm either going to have to do something different or start asking for help paying my bills.
I tell myself, I'm awesome for doing what I'm doing! I'm winning! I'm following my bliss! But am I? What the fuck is my bliss?
My bliss would be to not care what my parents think. To not care if they knew how terribly off I am financially. To not care if they knew the real me. The one who smokes pot and makes rape jokes. The one who sleeps with a girl and sometimes a boy. At the same time.
My bliss would be to stop using my credit cards and spend money I felt good about making. My bliss would be to not worry about how I'm going to pay the rent. My bliss would be to air all my shit in the open so I don't have to live another day in fear of what my friends will think of me when they find out I can't afford a new pair of sneakers.
But I could buy a new pair and put them on my new Nordstrom card and keep smiling and pretending I have some imaginary trust fund.
Or I can decide to be honest. What's the difference? We're all going to die. We're not going to remember this.
I told my friend at the gym this morning, "Just make a decision. Either quit doing what you're doing or decide to enjoy it." I know when I start giving advice it's time to start taking it.
So here's my decision. I'm not going to give a flying fuck what you think about me. Mom and Dad, I love you so much, but I can't live my life in fear of what you think of me. My dear friends, I love you so much, but I can't live my life in fear of what you think of me.
I don't really know how to not live my life in fear of what you think of me, but writing this seems like as good a start as any.