How I’m Doing Right & Killing Everything

ink print by watanabe sawako. pencil drawing by kelly cree.

I scraped together my $324 credit card bill. It was easy. Now I need $433 before Thursday. I just transfered $18.36 from Paypal, so make that $415.

We've had to turn down invitations to dine out twice now. Opting to cook at home, Kelly and I are remembering the magick of food. We love to cook. It's such a blessing.

I have never been more focused. I've always wanted this. A reason to stop buying so much food, a reason to say no, something external pushing me to work. It's like the universe has become my dad. I just want someone to tell me what to do.

The most hilarious part of all of this is that I'm finally taking my own advice. I preach from the high fucking heavens all day every day, but how often do I do my own worksheets? Read my own books? Apply my own tips? Practice my own mantras?

I do practice, all the time. But now I'm beginning to truly believe in my work. My worksheets work. I just have to want something bad enough to do them. My contrast is so high right now, I know exactly what I want, and wild horses can't stop me from doing everything I can to succeed.

The advice I have to take from myself is to stop doing. To stop caring, to stop worrying, to go with the flow. Stop chasing money. Stop chasing success. Be still. Allow. Receive.

The more I focus, the more beautiful the reflections I can see. Yesterday my friend Ari gifted me the best book I've ever read, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It. It's one person's story about using a mantra that actually worked: "I love myself." It's that simple.

Even as I drag my coin jar to Coinstar for booze money, I'm laughing at myself. This is so funny. It's not serious. I still love myself at the bottom. I love myself. And I'm having more fun than ever before.

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