New Year’s Resolution 2015: Declare You Already Are the Perfect Version of Yourself Right Now

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I began today by writing:

"I am turning my phone off.
I am turning Facebook and Twitter off.
I am turning email off.
I installed StayFocusd. I can use FB, twitter, and email combined for 30 minutes a day.
New Year’s resolution: Relax.
Mantra of 2015: 12345678910
Style direction of 2015: pool party on the moon."

I love fresh starts. I love deciding to improve myself. However, after 32 years on this planet, I've learned to stop making grand sweeping claims that THIS TIME I AM GOING TO CHANGE! I SWEAR!

I've tried declaring sobriety and weightloss intentions. I've tried waking up early to go to the gym every day. I've tried to quit smoking, and I've tried to smoke more.

Who cares? Here I am in the same place at the same time, feeling distraught, wanting more sober time, with more weight to lose, and the same desire to MAKE IT this year, I swear this year my work is going to change the world!

I have a vision of this perfect self I want to become.
Skinny, with no attachment to alcohol, drugs or comfort food.
In peak physical condition, parkouring around my neighborhood and making new marathon PRs.
All with a hulahoop around my waist, and a camera crew documenting my every graceful move.

I wake up in the morning to write a mind blowing article about the meaning of life. I don't need acid, and you don't need acid, because I AM ACID!

Oh, also I get up at 6:30am. I meditate and clean my chakras with essential oils and crystals.

On the weekends I frolic at music festivals where I perform my magickal hoop gymnastics and heal people with my effortless embodiment of flow and well being. I never plan these trips because someone is always offering to drive me and pay for my ticket.

I wear my cat Pwny as a scarf when I run around town. Linty walks gracefully on a leash next to me. Kelly and I are constantly engrossed in deep conversation... without saying a word.

$5,000 we make a month comes to us in recurring, passive income. And that's just from the 555 subscribers we have to the School of Life Design library. I'm also constantly getting asked to make photomanipulation illustrations for digital music, and to write How To blog posts for Erowid, Clickhole, High Times, Evolver, and other consciousness raising platforms.

Miraculously, all of my family loves me and my work. I always have perfect timing when it comes to my family, and we frequently get together to work out at the gym and have art parties.

I have the best friends, but I always Do Me, so if I can't hang out because I'm incubating a mind-blowing project, I don't feel guilty.

I NEVER feel guilty.

One day I woke up and mold didn't grow in my bathroom and in the windowsills anymore.

My dad emailed to set up a monthly lunch, just me and him. My mom did the same, except we get to go shopping at Neiman's and Nordstrom. And Dick's.

I paid off all my debt this year. It was easier than I expected. The money just came.

Stores all around Austin are emailing me so they can stock copies of the Monthly Manifestation Manual. We make $10 off every copy sold, so that's a nice additional $100/day we're making.

My video meditations have really taken off, since my subscribers multiplied to 100,000. I just have a way with relaxing people and making them believe everything is going to be ok.

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And while I am constantly doing me and working on my mind-blowing work, I have found it in my heart to be generous and always give what I want to receive.

I help people clean and improve their homes. I listen to people talk about their problems and offer telepathic advice. I share my resources and cook for my friends. I reach out to people to let them know I care. I give holiday gifts. I give birthday gifts. I give gifts all the time, just because. I give big hugs. I practice compassion all the days of my life. I always react with love.

When I do deliberately decide to go on a bender and party my ass off, I never feel sick the next day. I always stay conscious. I approach life evenly and calmly. I always let what I want come to me. I accept gifts and take no action.

I haven't had a setback in 20 years. I am so deeply in love with myself. I would date myself if I could.

Also, I maintain my perfect health with herbal remedies, oils, and I use food as medicine.

In 2015 I finally lost that 20 pounds, made that $90,000 and let myself be the person I want to be. I am comfortable with performing in front of a live audience, and frequently collaborate with musicians who play behind me as I transfix my captive admirers.

Life became infinitely better for me in 2015, because I decided to
NEVER FEEL GUILTY AGAIN
and I just relax all day every day
and count silently in my head, keeping my mind and thoughts off "this world."

Since I just keep feeling better and better, life keeps giving me solutions. I am finally solved.

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10 hours later... Since I wrote this, I turned my phone back on to 64 texts. Checked my email and my mom had emailed me asking to do lunch. I changed my minutes allowed on email/FB/twitter to 10 minutes and that definitely got me out of my inbox and away from fb stalker-ville.

And I went to the gym and felt much better about life. I counted to 5900 and felt much better about life. I meditated and felt much better about life. I had some epiphanies in the shower and felt much better in life (I always practice presence when I'm feeling bad, because I want something. But when I try practicing it when I already feel good, it's so much better/more powerful. I don't usually milk the feeling of feeling good because I get sucked into thinking about the thing that made me feel good. But instead of thinking about what made me feel good, I should just let myself feel good. The more I encourage and focus on and pay attention to moments when I feel good, the more I will experience them).

I didn't go to the liquor store on the way home (not that it matters!!!!) . I feel good about myself today. I can't give you any resolutions for 2015 (although "relax" is definitely still the theme), but the ones I used today worked really well. I declare I already am the perfect version of myself.

"Those things you want to change about yourself probably won't ever change anyway until you stop caring about changing." ~Kelly Cree