A week from Friday will be 12 months sober. I still crave alcohol nearly every day, but I feel my magick coming back--the rainbow sparkle magick I had as a kid, the shadow sex magick I found in high school, the lucid dreaming magick I discovered in Castaneda in my early twenties, the dmt oneness magick I attracted in the Internet in grad school.
I've been remembering to think "I love myself" more and more and it's been paying off. I like myself more. Days are easier. Everything is in the flow. It's easy to do my work. It's easy to make phone calls and hang upside down and stack paper and take the garbage out. It's easy to play a few minutes of piano. It's easy to turn off the violence. It's easy to pick up a marker and trust what comes out.
I am a totally different person that I was 12 months ago. I was miserable. I had just settled into the alcoholic life, deciding, "Yeah, I guess I can make alcohol my main thing." Thinking it was a pretty good solution to life. Thinking I could just slide by, laughing and wild.
But the hangovers. The blackouts. The fights. The carelessness. The dragging ass to work on my own work.
Today I am confident in a way I never was when I drank. I have confidence and ease in every situation. I'm not afraid of other people. I don't get unbearably anxious before social engagements. I taught myself, slowly but surely, how to deal with seeing people, sober.
When we meet friends for dinner, I still fantasize about getting there early and ordering a beer. Wouldn't that be relaxing? But it was never one beer. It was 3 beers and then vodka. Then onto the next bar. $200 later, I'm blacked out, sick and regretful. So relaxing.
I just needed alcohol to get over that one scary moment. But I started showing up to every one scary moment. And over time I realized they weren't so scary. I didn't have to be numb to have dinner with friends. I didn't have to be numb to go shopping. I didn't have to be numb to go to bed.
So happy and grateful to be magickal.
So happy and grateful to be sober.
So happy and grateful to feel confident.
So happy and grateful to be a bad witch.
SO happy and grateful to be making my best work.
Wouldn't it be nice to have deep dreams tonight?
Wouldn't it be nice to do something nice for Kelly?
Wouldn't it be nice to get a massage?
Wouldn't it be nice to go DEEPER?
I've noticed I feel anxious and that's ok!
I've noticed I'm looking over my shoulder and that's ok!
I've noticed I want more and that's ok!
I've decided to feel good about my creative output. It's working itself out.
I've decided to feel good about where I am. It's working itself out!
What do I want?
Rainbows and outer space
To make A DECK
To make A NEW BOOK
To make my best videos yet!
I intend to love myself unconditionally.
I Intend to have the best night of my life.
I intend to play and laugh and be light.
I intend to say yes and thank you!
I intend to let go!
I intend to have the best year of my life! And the best night!
I pray to stay sober today.
I pray for transcendence and alchemy and transmutation and ascension!
I PRAY FOR ALIEN ACTIVITY.
I'm switching to the version of reality I prefer. In the reality I prefer, I am in the right place at the right time. I am doing everything right. I am ascending! I am light! I am in the flow! I am making my best work! I am entering my most confident, magickal, powerful, deep and fun phase of life yet!
I love it when I do the work. I love it when I feel excited to be me. I love it when I remember my power as the creator! I love it when I feel
Relax and enjoy the ride! You're doing everything right! It's all coming! Your only work is to enjoy it!
Relax and surrender. Let it come to you. This is the right place and the right time. Quiet your mind and keep up the good work!
Breathing in I love myself!
Breathing out I love myself!