I’m Going To Say What I Want To Say

Jessica Mullen
Nearly every day I write in here and my mind questions the usefulness
Why do you write the same thing every day
Even though by the end of it I always feel better
and I know what I want
and I know what I love
and I know
I remember who I am

So here we go. It might be similar to yesterday. It might not. But I'll feel better. Right now I feel ok. A little spaced out. A little negative, pessimistic. Annoyed. Maybe it's the caffeine. Let's make some magick.




So happy and grateful to be awake and alive! So happy and grateful to have money to buy spotify and prime. So happy and grateful for the sunshine and for the blissful walk and for the snacks for our party! SO happy and grateful to have money to buy frivolous beverages. So happy and grateful to have business income to buy cardstock and cutting mats and blades. So happy and grateful I can just SKIP THIS SONG.

So happy and grateful I can lighten up whenever I want to. So happy and grateful I can choose to breathe consciously and DO ME.

I just gotta remember to DO ME.

SO happy and grateful to have a yoga swing and a daily yoga practice now! I could never have one before... so of course it makes sense that I would start doing it every day when I have a trapeze!

So happy and grateful to be practicing piano every day, even just for a few minutes. So happy and grateful I put my energy into very direct place with intention. So happy and grateful the flow is taking care of me. So happy and grateful to be in control of my vibration. So happy and grateful to feel focused and like I am taking care of myself.

So happy and grateful to not give a fuck! To remind myself I don't have to care! So happy and grateful to be alive! I can do whatever I want! I don't have to feel trapped by my mind! I can choose to enjoy this day regardless of what happens!

So happy and grateful to have enough clothes and not have to buy a new parka. SO happy and grateful to always have plenty. So happy and grateful to have a plan. So happy and grateful to know what I want. SO happy and grateful to relax into the flow. So happy and grateful to be going where the wind takes me. So happy and grateful to be learning how to LOOSEN UP on my own.

Wouldn't it be nice to really learn how to relax without alcohol?
Wouldn't it be nice to learn how to loosen up without alcohol?
Wouldn't it be nice to let go of alcohol?
Wouldn't it be nice to write something great about alcohol?
Wouldn't it be nice to not be so serious?
Wouldn't it be nice to hear some new music I love?
Wouldn't it be nice to focus on how amazing I am?
Wouldn't it be nice to write music?
Wouldn't it be nice to express my vision?
Wouldn't it be nice to record my best meditation yet?
Wouldn't it be nice to innovate?
Wouldn't it be nice to feel the best I've ever felt?
Wouldn't it be nice to record vlogs?
Wouldn't it be nice to not give a fuck about privacy?
Wouldn't it be nice to SAY WHAT I WANT TO SAY WITHOUT CARING WHO HEARS?!

I've noticed I want to feel better and that's ok. I've noticed I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of another long sober night at home, and that's ok. I've noticed I still crave alcohol and that's ok. I've noticed I've been beating myself up and that's ok. I've noticed I am judging myself and that's ok. I've noticed I want to be stronger and that's ok. I've noticed I want to explode and that's ok!

I've decided to feel good about my life. It's working itself out. I've decided to feel good about this spotify playlist. It's working itself out. I've decided to feel good about myself. I'm working myself out. I've decided to feel good about mortality. It's working itself out. I've decided to feel good about a long sober night. It's working itself out.

What do I want?
To drink.
To not want to drink.
To LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP!
To loosen the fuck up!
To be wild!
To not be so serious!
To feel free!
To bask!
To have fun and not be such a fuddy duddy!
To NOT EQUATE ALCOHOL WITH FUN
To stop obsessing about alcohol!!!

I intend to have the best night of my life. I intend to make a decision. i intend to focus on feeling good. I intend to take care of myself. I intend to stay conscious. I intend to feel free. I intend to lighten up. I intend to be my reason for feeling good. I intend to step into my power. I intend to lighten up. I intend to feel the best I've ever felt! I intend to find new music I love. I intend to make music. I intend to not be so serious! I intend to BE LIGHT. I intend to play and laugh. I intend to enjoy my life!

I pray to stay sober today. I pray to figure my shit out. I pray to STAY SOBER I THINK

I'm switching to the version of reality I prefer. In the reality I prefer, I know what to do. I am my reason for feeling good. I don't alcohol to feel good. I am allowing well being to flow. I am focused on MY OWN SHIT. I am DOING ME.

In the reality I prefer, I am in the right place at the right time!
I am doing everything right!
I am making my best work!
I am HAPPY TO BE SOBER!
I LOVE BEING SOBER!
I FEEL THE BEST I'VE EVER FELT!
I AM THE CREATOR!

I love it when I feel better. I love it when I remember to be my reason for feeling good. I love it when I lighten up. I love it when I don't give a fuck. I love it when I don't care about alcohol because I am too focused on creating the best work of my life! I love it when life is fun!

Dear Jessica,
Relax and celebrate! You have come so far! Let yourself enjoy and have fun RIGHT NOW and it won't matter what substance you're on!