"I am never drinking AGAIN!" I screamed the morning of February 3, 2016. After a huge drunken fight with Kelly the night before, I was over it. Never again would I get sucked into the blacked out swirl of alcohol anger. I was going to deal with my shit head on, and I wasn't going to take another drop of liquor to do it.
I was drinking because my life wasn't enough. My roommate wasn't enough. My finances weren't nearly enough. My relationship wasn't enough. Kelly and I were fighting over a disagreement in the bedroom, caused by incoherence and miscommunication. Clearly, I am not enough! This is not enough! This sex is not enough!
When I drink, there's never enough. Whenever I picture myself going back to drinking, I already have a fifth of vodka in my backpack and bottles of wine in the fridge and cider at the bar. I already know there is not enough booze in the world to bring me the peace or fun I'm looking for.
I have to deliberately choose the perspective that there is enough. I could only ever drink again if life was enough. If life was fun enough. If one drink was enough. If my relationship was enough. If I was enough.
I have to learn that I am enough and that I have enough. I am successful enough. I am doing enough. I am loved enough. I love myself enough. I am kind enough. I am happy enough.
I must choose to see my relationship is enough. Kelly is enough. My friends are enough. This town is enough. My work is enough. I contribute enough. I help enough. I give enough. I take enough. I create enough.
I AM ENOUGH. THIS IS ENOUGH.
I struggled with alcohol just like food. I was bulimic from about age 19 to 25, when I met Kelly. We started spending all our time together and I never had another moment to myself to consider forcing myself to puke. That part of my life was over--the part where I couldn't get enough food. But I immediately entered a life of never having enough drink.
And I drank and drank and drank until it dragged me into the ground. Til I was borrowing money to buy handles of vodka that were going to be gone in two days.
My example of alcoholism is not nearly as severe as the addiction memoirs I read, but I could have been there in a couple years if I kept trying.
A part of me inside is screaming, "QUIT TELLING THE INTERNET YOUR BUSINESS! YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO DRINK AGAIN, BUT YOU'VE ALREADY PROCLAIMED YOUR SAINTLY SOBRIETY! IT'S GOING TO BE SO EMBARRASSING WHEN YOU TAKE THAT NEXT DRINK!"
So what. I guess I'm not saying I'll never drink again. That thought suffocates me. I could change my mind tomorrow. Just writing all this makes me thirsty, DESPERATELY SO!
But I'm not drinking today, and I'm a little closer to knowing why I drank so heavily. I hadn't really connected the alcoholism and bulimia until a friend mentioned it yesterday. It's all about guilt and not being enough and not feeling loved.
I was bulimic because I wanted to destroy myself. Well, I wanted to be skinny. And I could never be skinny enough. I could never be good enough to please my parents or my boyfriend or society either. I hated myself and all my inadequacies. So I wanted to tear myself apart. I wanted to turn inside out, which became a literal daily practice.
I drank because I wanted to have fun and be wild and not care about my problems and yell FUCK THE WORLD! Then I realized I AM the world, and yelling "FUCK ME!" doesn't really do anything to improve my life experience. Then I was just drinking because even if I am the world, I am not enough. Life is not enough. I don't feel good enough. I'm not relaxed enough. I'm not social enough. There's no high high enough.
The thoughts I want to believe are "I LOVE MYSELF!" and "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" and "THIS IS ENOUGH!" and I want to believe them sober. I want to love the world and think the world is enough. I want to think I love myself enough! I want what I have to be enough! When I look at Kelly, I want to think Kelly is enough! When I look at my work, I want to think my work is enough! When I look at myself, I want to think I AM ENOUGH!
So I know my work. My work is to feel a sense of enough, and to feel it with my whole alert, sober awareness.
Knowing that is enough to not pick up a drink one more day.