i’m making myself available to miracles today

Jessica Mullen
Be the observer:
What am I thinking?
Do I like this?
Where are you
ami spaced out
am i a better person
am i too still
am i good enough compared to her
breathing in
i am ok
breathing out
i am here
i am letting that go
remember that lady
her daughter
i dpnt like her daughter
so mean
doesn't know any better
but still

what am i thinking?
i wonder if i should be doing my usual writing instead
i like watching myself think more
you can just sit back and watch
like bubbles rising to the surface
they are very much like bubbles
worlds

what am i thinking?
do i like stream of consciousness?
what is the difference between watching my thoughts and channeling?
what am i thinking?
breathe in and rise up
breathe out and correct your spelling

i hate grammar errors i am scared that the stinkbugs will hide in my clothes

i like myself when i let true things out
i wish i liked myself more
poor me

what am i thinking?
my dreams about vibrators
i want to come
i'm bleeding
that's my excuse

what am i thinking?
remember when things were shiny and promising and i was dull and slow but i followed sparkle?
and alcohol and cigarettes and being cold spARKLED
shone
glittered to me
i didn't reality the 20 year old addicts still had strong bodies
i hadn't seen many of the 30 year old addicts
40 year old
50 year old

it goes downhill quick
and THAT is a limiting belief

earlier when meditating i thought that i might like watching my thoughts more than i want to drink
finally something i can do in my head that feels better than getting numb

i was avoiding my thoughts because they hurt
but when i sit with them, watch them go by like bubbles -
lost my train of thought because this song's only lyrics were "i feel" and it just ended and i was like... those were really the only words the whole song?

i am very self centered and that bothers me
like i didn't think to write kelly a thank you card
when i was making my thank you cards
wtf?

what am i thinking?
i spend SO MUCH TIME beating myself up
for not being a good person
like in my dream i had planted a worm in a spreadsheet that was going to steal me millions of dollars
and then i realized i had hacked it from my ip address

*rolls eyes*

i get so mad at myself

what am i thinking?
maybe that's why other people appear mad at me, because i am so mad at myself

i just wish i could send my love to my parents and they would feel it and get it
so much contrast surrounding my parents still
what am i thinking?
i just want to avoid thinking about that shit
i want to drink
trigger alert

what am i thinking?
i think kelly will like this song
ggg
sorry there was a crumb on the g

what am i thinking?
whyyy does my throat still hurt
what should i do
why can't i sleep with my mouth closed
i am a failure of a person

what am i thinking?
is watching my thoughts a waste of time? shouldn't i be planting thoughts like
i love myself

what am i thinking?
this isn't going as quickly as i expected
just remembered i took a single sudafed
"allergies"

always searching, always empty
i get so mad at myself for feeling empty

what am i thinking?
no regrets
choosing no regrets

i can just let that all go
i get so mad at myself
i get so mad at myself
i numb out and get so mad at myself

what am i thinking?
is this raw thought worth anything? is it any good?
where's the money?
always looking for the money

what am i thinking?
do i have to read this
i wish i was back in the dank suburbs in the summer
driving from town to town to
you know

what am i thinking?
those two years in chicago were so fun
i was so independent
i just want to appreciate what i have now

what am i thinking?
i was a mess then
i miss being a mess?

what am i thinking?
observer your thoughts

i'm tripping from this song
trippin on house music

what am i thinking?
no wonder i censor myself so much
what am i thinking?
i wish i could focus
be the observer
what am i thinking?

i should be doing something else

ok so now i know i think "i should..." a lot
what should i do?

what am i thinking?
i just wish i could read other people's thoughts
i wish i wanted to mind my own business but i don't
always looking for confirmation from the crowd
but i have to TELL THE CROWD what they're thinking eh?

what am i thinking?
i am breathing
that is good
*an image of my dad watching me floats by*
no wonder i always feel like i have to please others

what am i thinking?
it gets to messy
i just want to be in my body and feel good
i just want to float down the river
get a massage from the sun
sip my non-alcoholic yet still intoxicating bev

what am i thinking?
pool party on the moon is still my aesthetic
i wish i wanted to leave the house and do things

what am i thinking?
i feel so unresolved
not manic
did i waste this time writing what i'm thinking?
should i be thinking about what i want?

what do i want?
for this watching my thoughts thing to really work
be cooked for
miracles
those miracles
you just sit down and make yourself available to those miracles

i'm making myself available to miracles today