Category: Articles

Jessica Mullen

604 Days Sober

Jessica Mullen
When I was first toying with the idea of sobriety, I searched everywhere for other people like me who were already sober. Sober mentors, if you will. Molly Soda is who really inspired me to go through with it.

It was challenging to find girls like me who were sober. Transitioning from a partying lifestyle to an alcohol-free one was daunting and there weren't a lot of examples to follow.

So I am writing this to be an example if anyone is looking. I've been sober for over a year and a half. I don't think about it that much anymore. I now have way more sober memories than drunk ones. It seems strange to me how much of my 20s and early 30s are just gone in blackouts. I had so much fun, but I don't remember a lot of it. Did I just think I had fun? Who knows? I wasn't there.

Writing this kind of wakes up the urge though. I still occasionally dream about drinking, but now it's just a detail rather than the dream topic. I'm not all, "Omg I'm so bad I'm drinking this vodka," I just remember there were alcoholic drinks on the table...

I am happy to report that I have totally rewired my coping mechanisms to function without alcohol. When I don't have alcohol to numb my mind, I turn to other things like weed and tv and food, and I had a 6 month fling with kratom. I loved the kratom, but started to get too into it. It's a phase, not a lifestyle.

Even though I still find myself numbing with other things, I sure as fuck remember it all. I remember everything. Actually, my memory isn't WAY better than it was when I was drinking... but that's probably the pot.

I haven't had a hard drug since quitting either, which is a pretty cool triumph. Not a single fun pill. I really have no desire either. Drinking constantly made me pretty exhausted, so it was no wonder I was always searching for uppers. Or painkillers for hangovers. No more!

Once in a while I catch myself noticing all the things I do that wouldn't have been possible with a hangover. Keeping up with the laundry. Taking out the trash. Basic chores just seem to do themselves. I always have the energy to get out of bed and take care of a few things. Aside from maybe one day in the winter, I don't think I've stayed in bed all day once in the past 1.6 years.

For the first year, I definitely felt FOMO about bars and drinking-centric events. I mostly felt sad that I wasn't fun anymore. I wasn't the wild one getting everyone to do shots and go cray. That was my JAM to be that person. Now I sit pretty quietly, sipping my diet coke, ready to leave when you are!

Sometimes though, I go to a party or a dinner and I have such a wonderful time, and I'm dead fucking sober. And it's so fun, because of the company, or because we're playing with flow toys, or there's just a genuine connection between me and the experience. I have fun, child-like, without alcohol. It is possible!

It is now way easier to NOT drink than it would be to start up again. Just today Kelly was telling me about an Osho passage, where a monk tries helping a thief. The monk tells the thief, "You can still steal, just be totally conscious when you do it." So the thief tries, but finds he can't--because he no longer has the unconscious forces driving him.

Alcohol is similar for me. If someone told me, "You can still drink, just be totally conscious when you do it," I wouldn't want to drink. I want to drink to BE UNCONSCIOUS. And that's not really my life plan anymore. I'm aiming for total consciousness. Life is just more fun. And more deep.

I do really miss the wild nights and chance happenings. The openness that happens when you hang out with people who party. The saying yes, going with the flow, the laughter. I miss being the underbelly of society really.

But I don't miss the drama. I don't miss the hangovers. I don't miss the fights, the weight gain, the canceled plans. I don't miss the barfing. At all.

Sometimes I really do want to throw it away and be "tortured" again. I want to have depth and demons and a substance that chases them away. But I've been there, and that existence was hollow and hard.

My biggest lesson is that drinking didn't solve my problems or change my habits. I still get up late. I still stay up late. I still wish I exercised more. Quitting drinking didn't make me suddenly a healthy well adjusted person. But it did allow me to make some new habits like working out at home, and brushing my teeth before bed.

I used to worry a lot about being uptight, or not fun anymore. But I think I'm slowly loosening up, on my own. The more I focus on opening and loosening and relaxing sober, the more I'm able to do it. I just never learned. Alcohol did a lot of things for me my entire adult life, so I never learned how to relax on my own or deal with anxiety.

The time I most want to drink is on road trips. Car travel is something that really stresses me out and I'm working on it! I just have to remember "I am the origin of the wave". What happens is the wave, and I can't stop it. But I can change the tune of the original signal. I can change what I'm projecting into the world, and then my experiences reflect it.

Instead of just protecting myself from my own sloppy thoughts with a bottle of vodka, I am learning to create a world I don't have to protect myself from. I am learning to be open, and to let go, and to love myself, and to be totally conscious.

Jessica Mullen

447 Days Sober

Jessica Mullen
I've got these fucking FEELINGS about alcohol today. 447 days sober and all I want is to drink because I think it will be fun and interesting. I want to drink because I want to stop giving a fuck! I want to wild out! Stop caring about what other people think, stop caring about what -I- think!

I barely know anyone in the world who doesn't drink! I wonder why?! Because it's fun! And I just want to have fun! I feel like I haven't had fun in years! 447 days to be precise!

Oh it would taste so poisonous and burn so good. I only made rules to break them! I never even was that bad!

Here I am trying to talk myself into drinking again. Last night I dreamt I was helping a friend go buy la croix and avoid drinking for another day. But what am I doing avoiding shit my whole life! I want to LIVE my life and have fun! Not avoid shit!

I want life to feel luscious and exciting and wild again! I don't care if this shit shaves years off my life! What's a life spent WISHING I was doing something and not doing it?!

And if I would just have a drink I probably wouldn't have to drink all day every day! I could just have drinks like a normal person!! ! ! ! ! !

But then I remember the one thing that always stops me: I don't want to gain that vodka belly back. I went clothes shopping on Sunday and everything fit. I bought a dress in a small. The shirts I got were mediums and they could have been a little big. I liked myself when I looked in the mirror. I was so relieved that I wasn't sick of myself.

So I have that going for me, a totally distorted perception of value. But is it? When I drink I eat like shit and eventually it adds up to 20 pounds. I always resolve to start over the next day. I make up all these rules. That's why Kelly says me being sober is "just another diet". It has nothing to do with alcohol anymore. I just don't want the 1000 extra wine calories a day.

And I also remember always going to bed feeling like crap. Like, the fun of drinking is over and now I have to face it in the morning and feel sick. So depressing to go to bed like that every night.

I'm afraid if I start drinking again I'll never have enough money to leave this town and I'll be stuck in central Illinois for life. Which really isn't such a bad fate, but I have so much of the world to see. Winter is long here. I want to be in the sun. But the spring made the winter worth it right?

I just listen to Nicki Minaj and hope she'll whisper the answer to me. I know she drinks her Myx moscato and talks about bud lights and "even though we'll have a hangover the next day..."

Why do I have to focus so much energy on whether I drink or not? I want to be focused on how fun my life is going. I want to be focused on my work and flow and passion. But sometimes I feel like alcohol is a gateway to flow and passion.

And don't get me started on wanting to feel brave again! One of the hardest things to learn after getting sober was that I thought I was such a brave person, but really I WAS JUST DRUNK a lot of that time! I wasn't brave, I was blacked out!!!!

I like remembering my life, but with alcohol I actually find myself in situations worth remembering. What the fuck?

I do love my life how it is right now, and it feels amazing to wake up without a hangover every day. I fucking LOVE being able to try on clothes and everything fits. I love that I can pretty much eat whatever I want and wear my size 6 jeans. I love that I don't have to worry about doing dumb shit. I never wonder what I said

Because I never say anything! That's another thing! I am so much braver in what I say when I drink! Because I don't care what other people think! I FEEL SO MUCH MORE LIKABLE WHEN I DRINK.

I'm always looking for health cure-alls like ACV and coconut oil. What if alcohol is my cure-all?!

Haha this is the shit I have to put up with in my mind.

It feels good to write about where I'm at with alcohol but oh dear god can I imagine the way that first glass of red wine would feel.

I feel really healthy, but why have my health if I'm so bored?

Wow that's dark.

I just can't believe alcohol still dominates so much of my thinking 14 months later. I guess a lot of it is because everyone else drinks and it's hard to feel like a total outsider. I like feeling like a role model and everything but really I feel like I'm acting all superior and holier than thou.

So yeah I guess I pray to stay sober today but what good is a sarcastic prayer? I want to focus on what's working and bring more of that into my life, instead of alcohol strife.

I want to feel high on life and high on "the vortex" and high just being me! I want to feel excited about getting up in the morning! I mean I don't have a hangover!? Why can't I just jump out of bed and fuck shit up?!

Dear universe,
I pray for more depth and more highs and more inspiration and motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I pray to keep my health up and I pray to stay sober. I pray creativity wins over addiction and I pray I can tolerate myself whether I drink again or not. I pray to love and accept myself exactly the way I am.

Jessica Mullen

Thinking “I Love Myself” Really Works

Jessica Mullen
Today I woke up with cramps and a headache, and it felt like my cold was coming back for a reprise. "But yesterday had been such a good day!" I thought.

I went and chugged my coffee, fed my cats, and reminded myself to start counting. Yesterday I made it a point to do silent counting as my simran and it worked like a charm. I got so much done and went to bed feeling fabulous.

I don't think I even got to 200 today. I took my cold medicine, the wife gave me a neckrub, and I did a quick job for an awesome new client. Right after I finished, she paid right away and then gave me a sweet testimonial on Facebook.

I looked in my inbox and saw all these payments from clients and book sales and digital downloads. I looked in my inbox and saw the email from a client yesterday, saying, "Thank you so much, this is exactly what I want." I've never had a client say that to me before.

I scrolled through my Facebook profile and saw all the people tagging me, thanking me and saying they miss me and appreciate me. And it hit me. I LOVE MYSELF. And now I had the evidence. People were giving me attention. And when I looked at my facebook profile, I felt real, true LOVE for myself. I felt like a good person, doing good things. Guys, I did it. I LOVE myself. Holy. Shit.

I've been practicing thinking "I love myself" with about 87% devotion for about six weeks. Being sober really helps me keep the thought going, since I'm not blacked out every night, having to start at 0 again the next day.

I record meditations about it. I write it in my journal. I write it in my blog. I wish for it in my MMM. I printed it on a sweatshirt. I co-create zines about it. I love myself. I love myself. Breathing in, I love myself. I email people about it. My best email penpal and I talk about the magick power of "I love myself" for days on end. Breathing out I love myself.

It's working. The mantra is working. Even though I didn't believe the thought at first, it's starting to stick. Just because I kept thinking it over and over. Kept putting my attention on it, even when it seemed like it wasn't working.

It's working. I love myself. I just had to stick to it. Believe in it. Believe that all this law of attraction / thoughts-creating-reality stuff is TRUE.

It's working. I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I loved myself before I had proof. And now I love myself, and the proof is revealing itself right in front of my eyes, in every aspect of my life. I didn't have to force anything. All I had to do was deliberately choose to focus on the thought as often as I possibly could.

It's working. I love myself!

1 Year Sober Is Enough

One Year Sober!

1 Year Sober Is Enough
"I am never drinking AGAIN!" I screamed the morning of February 3, 2016. After a huge drunken fight with Kelly the night before, I was over it. Never again would I get sucked into the blacked out swirl of alcohol anger. I was going to deal with my shit head on, and I wasn't going to take another drop of liquor to do it.

I was drinking because my life wasn't enough. My roommate wasn't enough. My finances weren't nearly enough. My relationship wasn't enough. Kelly and I were fighting over a disagreement in the bedroom, caused by incoherence and miscommunication. Clearly, I am not enough! This is not enough! This sex is not enough!

When I drink, there's never enough. Whenever I picture myself going back to drinking, I already have a fifth of vodka in my backpack and bottles of wine in the fridge and cider at the bar. I already know there is not enough booze in the world to bring me the peace or fun I'm looking for.

I have to deliberately choose the perspective that there is enough. I could only ever drink again if life was enough. If life was fun enough. If one drink was enough. If my relationship was enough. If I was enough.

I have to learn that I am enough and that I have enough. I am successful enough. I am doing enough. I am loved enough. I love myself enough. I am kind enough. I am happy enough.

I must choose to see my relationship is enough. Kelly is enough. My friends are enough. This town is enough. My work is enough. I contribute enough. I help enough. I give enough. I take enough. I create enough.

I AM ENOUGH. THIS IS ENOUGH.

I struggled with alcohol just like food. I was bulimic from about age 19 to 25, when I met Kelly. We started spending all our time together and I never had another moment to myself to consider forcing myself to puke. That part of my life was over--the part where I couldn't get enough food. But I immediately entered a life of never having enough drink.

And I drank and drank and drank until it dragged me into the ground. Til I was borrowing money to buy handles of vodka that were going to be gone in two days.

My example of alcoholism is not nearly as severe as the addiction memoirs I read, but I could have been there in a couple years if I kept trying.

A part of me inside is screaming, "QUIT TELLING THE INTERNET YOUR BUSINESS! YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO DRINK AGAIN, BUT YOU'VE ALREADY PROCLAIMED YOUR SAINTLY SOBRIETY! IT'S GOING TO BE SO EMBARRASSING WHEN YOU TAKE THAT NEXT DRINK!"

So what. I guess I'm not saying I'll never drink again. That thought suffocates me. I could change my mind tomorrow. Just writing all this makes me thirsty, DESPERATELY SO!

But I'm not drinking today, and I'm a little closer to knowing why I drank so heavily. I hadn't really connected the alcoholism and bulimia until a friend mentioned it yesterday. It's all about guilt and not being enough and not feeling loved.

I was bulimic because I wanted to destroy myself. Well, I wanted to be skinny. And I could never be skinny enough. I could never be good enough to please my parents or my boyfriend or society either. I hated myself and all my inadequacies. So I wanted to tear myself apart. I wanted to turn inside out, which became a literal daily practice.

I drank because I wanted to have fun and be wild and not care about my problems and yell FUCK THE WORLD! Then I realized I AM the world, and yelling "FUCK ME!" doesn't really do anything to improve my life experience. Then I was just drinking because even if I am the world, I am not enough. Life is not enough. I don't feel good enough. I'm not relaxed enough. I'm not social enough. There's no high high enough.

ENOUGH!

The thoughts I want to believe are "I LOVE MYSELF!" and "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" and "THIS IS ENOUGH!" and I want to believe them sober. I want to love the world and think the world is enough. I want to think I love myself enough! I want what I have to be enough! When I look at Kelly, I want to think Kelly is enough! When I look at my work, I want to think my work is enough! When I look at myself, I want to think I AM ENOUGH!

So I know my work. My work is to feel a sense of enough, and to feel it with my whole alert, sober awareness.

Knowing that is enough to not pick up a drink one more day.

Cult of Counting

Join the Cult of Counting

Cult of Counting
We're starting this new thing called Cult of Counting, an idea we've had brewing for months. Based on the teachings of Eckart Tolle, the wisdom of Philip Rosedale, and years of experience, we believe silent counting can solve all problems.

Thoughts are the only thing that make you feel bad. What happens when you stop thinking? You feel better. Things like play and exercise help you stop thinking, but you can't constantly exercise or play. What's the underlying reason those things work? Because you stop thinking so much when you're in the flow. The mind goes blank and you just BE. Exist. Experience. Observe.

I've been silent counting for years. Maybe since 2012. The thing about silent counting is that it sucks at first. You don't believe in it. You think thinking is definitely a better use of your time.

Try it during meditation first, or while you're running. I meditate for 15 minutes a day, and on a good day I can count to 1500 during this time. Afterwards, I'm in a way better mood, because I wasn't spending the last 15 minutes worrying or planning or basically doing everything in my power to escape the moment.

Why do we try to constantly escape the moment? Eckart Tolle can tell you all about that in The Power of Now. We escape the now because we are mind-identified (thinking we ARE our mind). The mind's job is to look for problems. It's great at finding problems, but once we find them, we forget we have the power to STEP OUTSIDE THE MIND and let the solution come to us.

That's where silent counting comes in. So, you feel like shit. The first thing is to say to yourself, "I've noticed I feel like shit and that's ok." There, your mind did it's job. It noticed a problem. Now use your mind for one more moment: "What is this contrast (pain/problem) making me ask for?" What do you prefer instead? "I want to feel good." Perfect. Now the counting comes in.

Start silently counting in your head from 1-100. If you're in a lot of pain or really distracted, it's going to be hard to get to 5. Keep trying. Sit your ass down and set a timer for 5 minutes. Try to count. Keep trying. Bribe your mind, tell it it can think about problems all it wants after the 5 minutes.

You get to 100. You might not feel that much better, but maybe you can breathe a sigh of relief. Keep going. You'll really start to notice yourself feeling better when you hit 1000. The rhythm will give you energy. You'll have a 10 minute break from the chatter of your belligerent mind.

The results come slow, but keep it up for a few days. See if you can count to 10,000 in one day. After a solid day or two of giving your attention to silent counting, you'll be feeling motivated. You'll start taking better care of yourself. All because you stood up to your mind. You're no long constantly berating yourself and talking yourself out of life.

You feel better now. Better enough to stop counting. That's cool. You can coast on this good feeling for a day or two. This is a perfect time to start practicing mantras. Your mind is in a good place. You can start creating beliefs and actually believing in them. Now is the time to lay new paths in your mind. They will have a much better chance of sticking if you build them while you feel good. You'll be feeling optimistic and confident.

The mantras that have worked the best for me during this time are "(Breathing in) YES! (Breathing out) THANK YOU!", "I love myself", "I AM", "I love myself / I don't give a fuck", and "(Breathing in) In (breathing out) Out".

When you're feeling good from all the silent counting, this is a good point to jump into breath meditation. The counting trains your attention to focus on one thing, and that's what you need to do breath meditation. If your attention is all over the place, you won't be able to focus on your breath for very long. But if you've trained your attention for a few days, you'll be able to watch your breath and feel very real benefits from the practice.

Take a few days to think in mantras. Remind yourself to think them all day, just like the counting. The training of your attention will wane after a few days, unless you are very deliberately focusing. Silent counting is so amazing because it is measurable attention training. It's hard to remember or keep track of how often you remembered to think your mantra. But with counting, you know exactly how long you've been focusing.

After all this counting and repeating mantras, you're going to experience some amazing manifestations. Things you've been wanting for years are going to show up at your doorstep, because you had stopped thinking about them. You're going to get gifts and love and affection and promotions and cash and health. You're going to be all, "Holy shit! Silent counting works!"

You'll ride the manifestations for a couple days. Life will be so sweet. But with all that sweetness comes lazy thinking. Why bother to count or use mantras when thinking about all the manifestations is so delicious?

The mantras have lost their flavor. "I love myself" just doesn't have the same feeling it did the day after you were counting to 10,000. This is because your singular focus loses strength once the manifestations started coming in. Your mind is taking over. It's getting attached to the good stuff, worrying about what happens when it's gone. It's starting to find problems in all the manifestations. It's making you doubt the power of mantras and counting and yourself in general. You don't even notice your vibration slipping until you wake up depressed. "What's the point of life? I have all this stuff I wanted and I still don't feel good."

And so the cycle begins again. You're mind-identified, looking for problems and finding them. All you have to do is acknowledge the problem ("I've noticed _____ and that's ok"), ask for what you want instead ("What is this contrast making me ask for?") step outside of your mind ("1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ..."), and let the answers come to you. This time, your manifestation muscle is going to be even stronger and more powerful. Enjoy!

Jessica Mullen

What It’s Like to be 295 Days Sober on…

Jessica Mullen
I'm listening to this song called dopemang where this girl talks about being cocaine sniffin, got her dopemang trippin. It's blackout Wednesday. In a past life, even just a year ago, I'd be turnin up. I'd definitely be drunk. I'd be encouraging everyone to drink. Today we went with Kel's mom to Peoria to do something with our internet account. I would have had us stopping at rainforest cafe for a vodka soda or something. I might have a flask. Maybe just a bag with a fifth of vodka and a can of pop, and of course my signature red solo shot glass cups.

It made me feel so good to drink and encourage others to do the same. I would feel like I was comforting people, encouraging them to NOT GIVE A FUCK! Encouraging them to shirk responsibility and have fun with me instead!

But this year I'm almost 10 months sober, and I'm here writing and meditating instead of partying. I had 2.5 cups of coffee today, which is a buzzed as I get. And I make that shit STRONG. Oh and of course I smoke but that's medicine.

Anyway, the dopemang song made me crave. "We should hit up some people and get some coke and go to a bar and be wild." I already feel guilty, my mind instantly fast-forwarding to the next morning, when I can't sleep, I feel like shit and I'm regretting flirting a little too hard with someone else's partner. Woops. I don't remember it, so you can't blame me!

I still think about alcohol every day... when life gets hard, like when the water heater busted the other day, I want a drink. I want a drink so I have a good attitude about what goes wrong, instead of panicking and being sour.

I remember the first time I realized I was going to have to quit the booze, when we went to this essential oil presentation. At the end, we put our hands on this device that told you what meridians were out of wack. Mine were all sorts of messed up. I remember being surprised because I try to be pretty healthy--I was working out every day and of course I always drink my trusty kale smoothie in the morning. The demonstrator questioned my daily habits, and I said something along the lines of, "Well... I do drink. A lot."

So I had the urge to go buy coke and go on a perfectly socially acceptable blackout wednesday bender. I already have enough perspective to know I'd never really do that sober, but give me one, two, three, four drinks and I'll be bugging everyone asking for "uppers".

I used to think I was so cool. Drinking was so romantic. Drugs were so rebellious and exciting. But over time it all just got so tiring and embarrassing. If I want to be some kind of thought leader, I can't be vomiting in the back of my friend's car. Or is it connected?

I hesitate to speak in absolutes. Why can't I be a thought leader, and barfing out a window?

I suppose it's because I don't want to be both. I don't want to be obsessed with something outside of me to get me through the day. I want to be strong and have fun no matter what the day brings. I used to need alcohol to do that, and encourage others to do the same.

I'm a lot quieter now, and I feel like I miss a lot of opportunities to connect with people that I otherwise would have been drunkenly bold enough to befriend. But it's not like our relationship was the same the next day... and why have friends you have to be drunk to be around?

Even writing the word drunk turns me on. I want to be intoxicated with my life. The most intoxicating thing in my life right now is the hot water from our brand new water heater. "This is better than drugs," Kelly and I joked, but we're mostly serious. We're really into "cumulative goods" like exercise and eating well--things that feel good and add up to beneficial change.

I worry I've become too uptight. I worry I'm no fun. I'm simply not in the same scenarios I used to be. I'm not at the bar, so we don't meet people and go hang out with them in the middle of the night. I avoid nightlife in this new place because it's pretty fucking tempting.

Sometimes when I get a little too "I WANT A DRINK", Kelly says "SO HAVE ONE THEN." And I always backpedal. No! I don't want to go back there! I was terrified! Sick all the time! I am not the type to have one or two drinks. What the eff is the point? I drink to get drunk. That's what appeals to me. A big part of me wants to live with zero boundaries and zero inhibitions.

In conclusion. I am just about 10 months sober, and I am spending blackout wednesday chilling at home, being still, creating, and relaxing. Tomorrow I will wake up feeling great, and it will be easy to get out of bed. I will be in a good mood when I see people, and when they see me, I will brighten their day. I will continue to lead by example. I might still want to drink, but every time I don't, I gain a measure of personal power that's more intoxicating than the stiffest long island iced tea.

Stormy!

The Surrender Experiment

Stormy!
I just finished reading Michael Singer's The Surrender Experiment, in which the author decides to stop making decisions based on his internal likes and dislikes, and instead just say yes to whatever the flow of life brings him. The book was deeply moving, because of the constant examples Singer provided regarding his experience. Every single time he put his personal preferences aside and just cooperated with the unfolding of life, life brought him a miracle.

Reading the book made me see how hard it has been for me to surrender lately. I've been very hung up on specific preferences and in a lot of pain when life doesn't go my way. Singer encouraged me to go life's way instead.

For example, there was a stray cat in the front yard yesterday. Six weeks old. Begging for food and water. Wanting to be held and pet! I knew I shouldn't feed it but I couldn't resist. It was so hungry.

It was hot out. The baby kitty started coming in the garage to lay on the cool concrete. My cats weren't very happy about this and spent the whole day in hiding.

I posted about the cat on Facebook. Can someone please adopt her? A friend of mine wanted him and promised to clear it with her husband then pick the cat up.

But the husband said no. It was getting dark and I couldn't keep the kitten inside with my cats. It was beginning to rain.

I put the kitten in the bush tearfully. Our 7yo neighbor was assisting. She picked the kitty back up and said, "I can put her in my garage just for a few minutes to keep her dry."

Within minutes her mom texted saying the cat was in their bathroom, and they were going to look for a home for it. I was beyond relieved.

Then this morning, the neighbors said they were keeping the cat! They took it to the vet, found out it was a healthy 6-week-old boy, and all the world rejoiced!

Because I surrendered to the flow. I let go of my preference of my friend coming to get the cat. I let go of my preference of taking care of the cat for the night. I let go of my preference to rescue baby animals. I let the cat go, and the next instant, able hands picked him up.

20 Things I Learned from 90 Days Sober

90days
I'm 90 days sober. I feel pretty great. I have learned to deal with a lot of things that previously I required alcohol for. Simple things like working and going out to eat. I am writing this in case you are curious about the experience of being sober. It's inspired by Recovery Princess's list.

20 things I learned in the first 90 days being sober

  1. People will follow your example.
  2. Sobriety is not a magic solution to your problems, but now you can slowly let your problems go.
  3. Your desire to self-medicate will manifest elsewhere.
  4. You will sleep well every night.
  5. You will have no more regrets.
  6. You will follow through on projects that would previously had driven you to drink and half-ass.
  7. You will become less anxious. The alcohol seems like it created a lot of the anxiety I experienced.
  8. You will judge others, so hard. But at least you'll be conscious of your judging.
  9. You will be infinitely more curious, because what else can you do?
  10. Sex is better.
  11. Deep connection with others is now possible.
  12. Congratulations! You have a memory again!
  13. You look slimmer, feel lighter, and enjoy exercise. Never having to skip a run because you're hungover is the BEST.
  14. Fucking hangovers are GONE! FUCK HANGOVERS! So many feelings of guilt and shame GONE!
  15. Your friends stop caring about you not drinking. You get to keep your friends. It's awesome.
  16. You can make healthier choices more often because you're not always hungover and craving junk.
  17. You will miss the spontaneity that comes with drinking, but slowly you'll develop a capacity to be sober and uninhibited if you want it. Follow your excitement.
  18. Your creative output is on 12.
  19. You are saving so much money.
  20. You will finally get better at hooping. And singing. And playing piano. And running a business. Because you're not stuck in the mud, spinning your wheels, drinking because you're scared, scared because you're drinking.

Strategies for Getting What You Want

jessica mullen
If you want something, and you think about how you want it, you are sending a signal of "I don't have this but I want it." So the universe keeps delivering exactly that--a reality where you don't have the thing you want, but you still want it.

The way to work with the universe is to know what you want is already yours. When you have the desire, it is created by the universe. Any time you want something, just assume it's on the way.

But that can be difficult with us humans because we don't always trust the process of life. We don't always believe that what we want can come. So it's hard to stop thinking "I want this but I don't have it."

When we get stuck in that pattern of projecting "I want it but I don't have it," it's time to do a little work with the thought pattern. One strategy is to give what we want to ourselves. Usually we want all the things we do so we can feel love. So when we give ourselves love (through mantras, self-care, meditation, kind thoughts, etc.), we no longer are projecting "I want love but I don't have it." The vibration changes to "I am loved." Then once you feel loved, your reality can start reflecting that back to you in manifestations other than just you loving yourself.

Another strategy is "making peace with it never coming". Let go of the desire completely and truly stop caring if you get it. If you stop caring if you get it, then you stop projecting "I want it but I don't have it." Then the manifestation is free to come to you. One of my favorite ways to make peace with it not coming is to say "I don't give a fuck if I ever get ______!" If I can truly let go of the desire, it will come to me. This strategy can be frustrating because you receive what you want once you don't want it anymore--but that's the whole point, to feel good without the manifestation.

Above all, the best strategy you can use to get what you want is to feel good as often as you can. Take care of your health, express yourself creatively, stand up for yourself, laugh. When you fill your life with things that feel good, you can spend your time in the present moment enjoying life as it is, not needing change or manifestations to make your life better. And when you spend your time feeling good, you are a match to those things you want that also feel good. But you won't even care if you get those things because you already feel good!

That is the whole paradox: you must BECOME IT to SEE IT. You must feel good to manifest things that feel good. You must be the change you want to see. YOU are the creator!