How Do You Want to Feel?

 2014 October 20
by jessica mullen   Leave a comment 

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Grateful to be here now. Grateful to be awake and alive! Grateful to feel good about myself. Grateful life is taking care of me. Grateful life is long. Grateful for the Internet. Grateful for energy chews. Grateful for good days at work. Grateful for my friends. Grateful for plans to visit NYC TWICE in 2015!! Grateful for people who invite us to stay with them. Grateful to be here now. Grateful to be in control of my vibration. Grateful to be doing the work. Grateful to feel good about myself. Grateful to be drug free. Grateful to feel good in my body. Grateful for my health. Grateful for new opportunities. Grateful for a successful weekend. Grateful to feel confident about my strength. Grateful to feel the best I’ve ever felt! Grateful for pandora. Grateful for art. Grateful I felt like working on my project this morning. Grateful for the library. Grateful to get paid to read about graphic design. Grateful to love and accept myself exactly the way I am. Grateful life is on my side. Grateful life is taking care of me. Grateful I don’t have to care. Grateful I can choose to be here now. Grateful for positive feedback. Grateful for my home and for my city and for my wife and for my kitties and for my family and for my friends. Grateful we get to go to the country this weekend. Grateful I don’t have to GIVE A FUCK!

Wouldn’t it be nice to have the best night of my life? Wouldn’t it be nice to let it be easy? Wouldn’t it be nice to have and be fun? Wouldn’t it be nice to feel better and better as the day goes on? Wouldn’t it be nice to let go? Wouldn’t it be nice to have the most fun I’ve ever had tonight? Wouldn’t it be nice to hoop? Wouldn’t it be nice to go to bed early? Wouldn’t it be nice to hang out with our friends? Wouldn’t it be nice to feel loved and appreciated? Wouldn’t it be nice to practice feeling the way I want to feel?

How do you want to feel?
ENERGIZED!
ECSTATIC!
LOVED!

Wouldn’t it be nice to make a musical meditation? Wouldn’t it be nice to perform live? Wouldn’t it be nice to make my best work? Wouldn’t it be nice to go with the flow and remember life already is the way I want it to be??

I’m switching to the version of reality I prefer. In the reality I prefer, it’s all working out for me. Life is on my side. Life is taking care of me right now. I am letting life be easy. I am letting life take care of me. I am letting life live me. I am letting it be fun and easy. I am letting myself feel free and fun and excited! I am letting life feel good and be fun. I am projecting a vibration of love and compassion. I am in control of my vibration. I am letting life flow. I am charging up. I am becoming more and more energized and focused. I am trusting the flow. I am so happy to be me! Life already is the way I want it to be! I am in the right place at the right time. I am doing everything right. Life already is the way I want it to be. Jessica, I love and accept you exactly the way you are.

I love it when I do my work. I love it when I feel loved. I love it when I focus my attention. I love it when we take care of our errands. I love it when I ride my bike and have fun. I love it when I feel good about myself. I love it when I eat well. I love it when I eat food we grew ourselves! I love it when life is fun. I LOVE IT WHEN I AM PRESENT. I love it when I want to read. I love it when I have new books to read. I love it when I receive attention. I love it when I make good work. I love it when I say yes. I love it when I let life be fun. I love it when I feel better and better as the day goes on. I love it when I DON’T GIVE A FUCK! I love it when I count. I love it when I practice loving myself.

Dear Jessica,
Relax and be here now. Everything is working out for you. You can breathe and enjoy. Say yes! Say thank you! It’s all working out! Life is on your side. Life already is the way you want it to be. Let the flow through you. You don’t have to DO anything. You can relax and allow and let it be easy. You can quiet your mind and let the flow through. You don’t have to listen to your thoughts. You don’t have to do anything. You can just let the world happen. You can just be here now. You can just be you. You are doing such a great job! You are in the right time and right place! You are doing everything right! Relax and let life be fun. Relax and enjoy it. Relax and celebrate!! Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are!

Breathe in and raise your vibration!
Breathe out and release your resistance.

Breathe in and raise your vibration!
Breathe out and release your resistance.

Breathe in and say yes!
Breathe out and relax!

Breathe in and smile!
Breathe out and celebrate how far you’ve come!

Breathe in and trust the flow!
Breathe out and let this night be your best ever!!

breathe in and smile!
Breathe out and be here now!

breathe in and remember everything is perfect and in its place!
Breathe out and feel better already!

Breathe in and trust the flow
Breathe out and let your thoughts go

Breathe in and be still
Breathe out and trust that life already is the way you want it to be!

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Beome That Which You Want to Be Right Now

 2014 October 20
by jessica mullen   Leave a comment 

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Grateful to be awake and alive! Grateful I can choose focus! Grateful for the Internet. Grateful for Jeremy from craigslist so we can have a new wifi router! Grateful for a$ap rocky. Grateful for cold clean water from Austin. Grateful for our washing machine. Grateful for a real toilet, not a porta pottie. Grateful for friends who pay for dinner. Grateful for friends who give us rides. Grateful to get to spend so much time with friends. Grateful for Gossip Girl. Grateful for friends who teach me how to play video games. Grateful for clean sheets on the bed. Grateful for my manicure that has lasted SO LONG! Grateful for my strong beautiful nails and for the lemon oil that helps them be strong. Grateful for new music. Grateful all our bills and rent are paid. Grateful for netflix and pandora subscriptions. Grateful for food in the fridge. Grateful for mcdonalds and beer barn. Grateful to feel at peace with what is.

Grateful to feel good about myself. Grateful to feel good in my body. Grateful for good decisions. Grateful for my beautiful hands. Grateful for travel invitations! Grateful for airline deals and miles. Grateful to spend time with people I love all day every day. Grateful to be here now. Grateful to feel good. Grateful to always receive everything I desire. Grateful to be receiving what I wanted right now. Grateful for rituals and stars in the sky and witchcraft. Grateful for meditation. Grateful we’re unpacked. Grateful to be awake in the dream!

Grateful to appreciate who I am. Grateful to feel good in my body. Grateful to have plans. Grateful to relax. Grateful to feel confident and excited! Grateful life is taking care of me! Grateful I m at peace! Grateful to feel so happy with what I have!

Wouldn’t it be nice to feel the best I’ve ever felt! Wouldn’t it be nice to give myself positive feedback? Wouldn’t it be nice to have the best night of my life? Wouldn’t it be nice to make $10,000 in my sleep? Wouldn’t it be nice to laugh and play? Wouldn’t it be nice to get new tattoos? Wouldn’t it be nice to celebrate and scream with delight and excitement! WAAAAOOOOOO!!!!

Wouldn’t it be nice to look for more opportunities to thrive?

I AM LOOKING FOR OPPORTUNITIES TO THRIVE. I am letting life take care of me. I am taking care of myself.

I am in the reality I prefer. Everything is working out for me. I am at peace with what is. I am so excited to be alive! I am letting life be fun and easy. I am in control of my vibration. I am excited for all the opportunities in my life! I am letting life be fun. I am so happy with what I have. I am so excited about all the synchronicity around me. I love where I am. Life is working out for me. Life is taking care of me. Life is on my side.

Life is living me. I am at peace with what is. Everything is working out. I’ve decided to feel good about my life. I have decided to let it come to me.

I let it come to me. I am here now. I am allowing well being to flow. I am connected to the flow of life. I am letting it be easy and natural and fun.

I love it when I take care of myself. I love it when I appreciate my own work. I love it when I let life take care of me. I love it when I let life live me. I love it when I listen to my meditations and love them. I love it when I breathe consciously. I love it when I eat well and exercise. I love it when I want to run! I love it when I feel excited about what I’m doing! I love it when I feel excited about my art! I love it when I feel excited! I love it when I get to do whatever I fancy! I love it when I get invited!

Dear Jessica,
Relax and focus. Let life take care of everything. You can just relax and be here now. You can just relax and let go. You can just relax and thrive. Just say yes, and relax. Let life live you. Let life take care of you. Enjoy your time! Enjoy what’s happening right now. It’s all working out for you. You are in control! You are dreaming, you are waking up right now! life is on your side. This is it!

Relax and trust the moment. You are here now. You are safe. Relax and let your thoughts go. Let yourself enjoy this moment! Let yourself be here now celebrating.

Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are. Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are!

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Drunk & Impatient

 2014 October 14
by jessica mullen   Leave a comment 

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I’m drunk and so impatient. So so impatient. And not that drunk, I just think that 6 shots should have made me a little more tipsy by now. I guess I took my first one around 9 so… it’s been almost 4 hours… so I’ve already processed 4 of them. Ok that’s what’s up.

So impatient. I want everything to be done right now. I want everything to be the way I want it to be. Right now. I want everything right now, as I demand it. I want to eat calorie free food, right now. I want things outside of me to be my reason for feeling good, right now.

I’m in the best physical condition I’ve been in for a while. We’re running. Last week I ran 7 miles, three in a row without walking! This weekend I ran maybe 4… but walked another 5. I’ve been killing it, going to pump and combat and rpm. I’m taking care of myself. Haven’t had addy since the last week of August. I’m doing amazing. I’m doing me.

I am trying to be here now. How can I just BE here now instead of trying? How can I be present while drinking? Am I present? Am I doing this right? What should I do/!?!?

I always want someone to tell me what to do, where is my dad?! I need him to tell me what to do so I know to do the opposite. No one is telling me not to drink every night. No one is telling me to pull it together. I guess that means I do have it together. Right?

I am here now. I am waking up now. I am letting myself be present without judging myself. Like I don’t deserve to be present if I’m drinking.

Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are!

Oh yeah. I remember. That mantra has actually be working, a lot! For days in a row! I say it to myself all day every day. It’s my simran. It’s been working so well. I even dreamed about it! In my dream I was trying out something like “I love myself” but went to “Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are” and it made me instantly “watch myself”. Like my perspective pulled away from being projected far away in my mind, to here in my body.

Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are.
Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are.
Jessica I love and accept you exactly the way you are.

I say it to myself all the time. And then Kelly says to me things like “but jessica, remember that you love and accept that exactly as it is.” It permeates my reality, for real…

So I want to be part of the Loud Challenge. Where you smoke indoors, or wherever the fuck you want. I watched this video of this kid smoking in a walmart. How bold. And disrespectful, but not really, right?

Anyway, I love and accept you exactly the way you are.

I’m backing up my computer for the first time in several weeks. It’s amazing because I actually have work I want to back up. Mostly scans of all the postcards we just took down from past art shows. It’s time for our next show.

It’s like I need a vice to create. When I was trying to get into the graphic design program at age 19, I was obsessed with my weight, and learning how to have an eating disorder. I had to publish on my website what I ate, what I weighed, and as many disparaging comments about myself as possible.

Then in Type 2 I made some of my first “best” formal graphic design work–a book about my process in therapy. I had to be on these prescription diet pills I ordered online… that didn’t end well. (My hair started falling out and I couldn’t pee so I just quit that shit.)

In grad school my vice was feeling better than everyone else. That didn’t necessarily work out either, a lot of my content from 2008-2009 was so mean!

But the point is, I’m always creating no matter what my vice is. Right now my vice is alcohol, and really, that hasn’t changed since age 16. It was too taboo! I was GOING to be an alcoholic. I chose this life as a teenager. Sure I could change, but the thing is what you resist, persists. If you want to get rid of something, allow it to flourish. Let it play its course. It’s all working out. Just relax. You’re off drugs. You’re not bulimic anymore. You’re not blacked out every night. You just drink a handle of Skol every few days. This too shall pass! Don’t worry about it! Lighten up Jessica! You’re in the right place at the right time, and even if you’re tipsy, you can still Be Here Now! You can still enjoy this moment! You can still practice self love instead of criticizing yourself!

So I’ll wrap up my writing and I’ll probably publish this because it scares me to talk about my vices. I’ll do another shot with Kelly and we’ll smoke. We’ll watch a couple eps of Gossip Girl and if I’m lucky, I’ll get a massage :P

I am scared to write about my life for real. At times it seems so lame but at times I see it’s magick and perfection. I know it’s all working out for me. I see my upward spiral. I see myself becoming who I want to be in every moment. I know I am loved. I know I am good. I know I don’t have to change. I can relax and let it be easy. I do know the meaning of life after all!

Just enjoy it. Just relax and enjoy it. Enjoy the drinks you drink. They are temporary. Enjoy the smoke you smoke. It’s temporary. Enjoy your nights relaxing, watching Gossip Girl. They are temporary. This will never happen again. Enjoy it! Everything is perfect and in its place! Relax!

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