Tag: abundance

40 Day Prosperity Plan: Day 29

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40 Day Prosperity Plan Day 29: "When I am aware of the God Self within me as my total fulfillment, I am totally fulfilled. I am now aware of this Truth. I have found the secret of life, and I relax in the knowledge that the Activity of Divine Abundance is eternally operating in my life. I simply have to be aware of the flow, the radiation, of that Creative Energy, which is continuously, easily and effortlessly pouring forth from my Divine Consciousness. I am now aware. I am now in the flow."

I haven't had much to say about the Prosperity Plan in the form of notes, but each and every day it has connected to my spiritual practice. Usually the passage reflects/complements whatever mantra I'm using. Today the mantra is "Love Yeah Love" which goes nicely with the idea of "God Self".

"When I am aware of the God Self
(Love Yeah Love)

within me as my total fulfillment
(Love Yeah Love),

I am totally fulfilled
(when I am able to say "love yeah love" to all of my moments, thus being aware of, accepting, and embracing the divinity of each moment, I am totally fulfilled).

I am now aware of this Truth. I have found the secret of life
(Love Yeah Love),

and I relax in the knowledge that the Activity of Divine Abundance
(Love Yeah Love)

is eternally operating in my life
(when I say "love yeah love" to everything, I am connected to my god self. I always have god by my side. Thus I see that my entire manifested three dimensional reality is just the activity of divine abundance, and I can trust it more).

I simply have to be aware of the flow
(to be aware of the flow is to be able to let go--of each passing thought, of each moment, never getting a thought or emotion stuck in the system. "Love Yeah Love" as a mantra provides footholds or stepping stones in time to keep the flow moving. With each "Love Yeah Love," notice what you are thinking and feeling and experiencing, and to each say, "Love Yeah Love. I'm letting things go. Love Yeah Love. It's ok that I thought or felt that but now I'm moving on."),

the radiation
(Love Yeah Love is a FORCE),

of that Creative Energy, which is continuously, easily, and effortlessly pouring forth from my Divine Consciousness
(my attention is the director of that Creative Energy, which is forever expressing itself as manifested reality. When my attention is on Love Yeah Love, my reality manifests Love. Regardless of what my attention is on, all manifestations are expressions of Divine Consciousness and therefore all holy).

I am now aware
(of Love Yeah Love).

I am now in the flow
(I am now one with the wave of life, instead of fighting against it. By saying "love yeah love" to it all, I am embracing the movement of life, becoming like water)."

I am now in the flow. I am now totally fulfilled, because I am whole in each moment. I am in love each moment. I am aware of the divinity of each moment. When I know that each moment is a miracle of abundance, it is impossible to lack anything. I know that each moment is giving me something I wanted. I know that each moment loves me. I know the stars are shining for me. I know life is smiling at me. I know the flowers are cheering for me. I know the floor is holding me up. I know I am loved. I know I am receiving. I know who I am. I am totally fulfilled, with love. Yeah, love.

40 Day Prosperity Plan Day 17 / My First…

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40 Day Prosperity Plan Day 17: The Divine Consciousness that I am is forever expressing its true nature of Abundance. This is its responsibility, not mine. My only responsibility is to be aware of this Truth. Therefore, I am totally confident in letting go and letting God appear as the abundant all sufficiency in my life and affairs.

I had my first appointment with a life coach today. It was fucking wild. It was so helpful. It helped me see: I AM FIRE! I have this fire. I am this fire. I resisted a lot of things. But this life coach told me about myself. Want to hear the summary?

This woman, Hannah Hudson, is brilliant. I think she gets the meaning of life more than I do. She asked deep questions immediately and had me crying within 15 minutes. All these parts of myself I never tend to! She opened up a whole new world for me.

She said to me, "You're a direct line." I'm a direct line to divinity. It was so nice to hear someone else acknowledge my connection.

Here are the important ideas:

  • You get to choose.
  • There's nothing to fix.
  • Laughter and play are what I'm looking for in my work.
  • With all of this "not trying" "trusting what's right in front of you" and "listening to others" (my process of "allowing"), there is a lot of judgement still--a lot of pressure around getting it right, right now.
  • I am learning to let go of what other people think.
  • What would "JESSICA ON FIRE" do?!
  • After a lot of discussion about my resistance/hatred of my mind, Hannah asked, "What if your mind was beautiful?" That would make everything easier wouldn't it?
  • There's this whole other part of yourself that wants to be with you. (Isn't that amazing?!)
  • As a direct line to divinity, it can be hard to be with your mortality.
  • I am learning to let go of feeling so responsible for others.
  • I am learning to stand up for myself and ask for what I want.
  • I am working on "OWNING MY HUMANITY"
  • I am allowing adventure and freedom to me my dominant states.
  • She referred to me as a "mystic" or "channel"--how nice to be recognized for that!
  • I get to set the value of my work.
  • She kept asking, "What support do you need?" What DO I need?
  • I'm afraid of being mean, or experiencing meanness, or being mean to myself.
  • I've been drowning my fire with water, but now I am Jessica ON FIRE!
  • It's not what you're doing, it's who you're being.
  • I am now accessing my fire. Magickal. Hot. Transformational. Mesmerizing.
  • I'm allowing myself to ask for what I want, with hooping, my body, my dominance and with money. I am receiving what I want.

I am so grateful for others who reach out to help.

I am so grateful to have someone reach out to me. I am so grateful to hear the perspective of another.

40 Day Prosperity Plan: Day 16

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40 Day Prosperity Plan Day 16: My inner supply instantly and constantly takes on form and experience according to my needs and desires, and as the Principle of Supply in action, it is impossible for me to have any unfulfilled needs or desires.

We got up early and dove straight into our new meditation product launch instead of our normal routine of writing and meditating. Around 4pm we finally hopped in the shower and got ready to leave for a bike ride up north. It was so beautiful out we couldn't stay in the house one more minute!

We stopped at Gourdough's for a free PayPal donut. The Mother Clucker was going to take 7-10 minutes to cook, so we set our meditation timer for 5 minutes.

It was probably the best meditation I've ever experienced. I felt so cared for, so blissed out on weather and free food and bike rides.

I've been returning to "feeling my inner body" as often as I remember, which is probably about once every two hours. Just the act of attempting to feel my inner body is enough to take my attention off of my thoughts and place it onto the Now.

Isn't it weird you can't itch two itches at once?

Today has been THE most prosperous day I've had in a long time. I would like to tell you about it now!

We received a big donation from a lovely lady. We sold meditations, both physical and digital. We got a payout from a shopping cart affiliate. We got a subscription payment from a total sweetheart. We entertained a client. We got free food with PayPal. Someone contacted us to do WordPress consulting. We paid back a friend we owed money to. We paid our utility bill. We bought $11.45 of vegan groceries. (We had $12 in cash we were willing to spend.)

We made delicious popcorn. We had a kale smoothie for breakfast and brown rice and green beans for lunch. We had 2 quarters to get pop at HEB. We laughed hysterically in the HEB parking lot. We worked for five straight hours on a product launch! We had a client over. We made plans with another client. We gave a copy of the new meditation booklet to our friend.

We effortlessly biked 16 miles in 75º weather. We wore sleeveless shirts and skirts/shorts. We saw tons of Escalades and Hummers and Range Rovers and Land Rovers and G Wagons. Two of my friends, who I ADORE, texted me. I texted with my mom.

We meditated outside. My cat is sitting on my lap. We filled out our own School of Life Design worksheets and loved it. We made a list of 60 things we loved about our day. I hooped.

I scooped the cat litter. Kelly did the laundry. We cooked. We ate out for free. We sat outside enjoying espresso and a turkey sandwich. I posted tons of photos to insta. We made projector art at our friends' place.

This has literally been the best, most abundant day of my life. And I know that it only felt so gloriously abundant because I CHOSE to make it that way. I've been focusing on prosperity for 16 days. I've been taking care of myself the past few days. I've been eating pretty ok and exercising all the time. I've been doing my work! I've felt motivated, inspired, and excited. I've been remembering my dreams.

I have never felt more loved and supported. I have never felt more self-love! I used to feel so needy--wanting drugs, or friends to hit me up, or to feel good about my body. Today I didn't want drugs. Today my friends DID hit me up--but I was already busy. I felt great about my body, because I feel strong and healthy and grateful to be alive.

I am so grateful to feel prosperous. I am so grateful to feel abundant. I am so grateful to be making money 8 ways in one day! I am so grateful to get to get free food! I am so grateful to get to talk to my mom and my friends! I am so grateful for my health! I am so grateful for my kitties! I am so grateful for my wonderful designer wife! I am so grateful to feel good about life!

I am so grateful I know everything is working out. I am so grateful I can feel life taking care of me. I am so grateful to have money for food and for our utility bill. I am so grateful for people who support our work.

I am so grateful for my home. I am so grateful for my city. I am so grateful to be aware of my inner body. I am so grateful to know what I want. I am so grateful to be receiving!

Wouldn't it be nice to have a wonderful meeting tomorrow? Wouldn't it be nice to feel exhilarated and thrilled and completely blown away with gratitude? (I already do!) Wouldn't it be nice to give back more? Wouldn't it be nice to have the best trip of my life? Wouldn't it be nice to laugh and laugh and laugh? Wouldn't it be nice to ride these beautiful waves?

I love it when I feel like writing. I love it when I do the work. I love it when I feel prosperous. I love it when I keep up with my daily practices. I love it when I feel good in my body. I love it when I feel strong and healthy. I love it when life is fun! I love it when I do my work and get to have fun! I love it when I feel excited to wake up!

What do you want?
To feel the best I've ever felt. To ride the waves. To let the flow lead. To enjoy well being. To explore feeling my inner body deeper and deeper every day. To give love. To give.

Dear Jessica,
You are a star. You are magickal. You are receiving everything you've ever wanted. Keep opening up to receive more, and enjoy!

40 Day Prosperity Plan Day 15

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40 Day Prosperity Plan Day 15: Money is not my supply. No person, place or condition is my supply. My awareness, understanding, and knowledge of the all-providing activity of the Divine Mind within me is my supply. My consciousness of this Truth is unlimited, therefore, my supply is unlimited.

I really want to put my phone down for good. I can't stand the sick feeling I get, pressing the home button every few minutes to check the time. There are a few things I truly enjoy doing with my phone: taking photos, taking notes, using my meditation timer, using MyFitnessPal, using the PayPal app to get free food and drinks, playing Candy Crush once in a while. But the Facebook, Twitter, Insta and email checking have got to GO! How can I separate the good from the bad and have the discipline to keep it that way?

Anyway, onto the prosperity plan. We sat for 15 minutes, earlier than usual, so I get to write these notes before we leave for class at the gym. I attempted to "feel my inner body" (one of Tolle's concepts) the whole time. I had a neat vision of feeling energy pouring from the inside of my skin, shooting inward in a hyperspace starscape, my body filling with points of light from the outside in.

I asked what I needed to know, and the answer was, "nothing". This practice of bringing my attention away from my mind into my body is thrilling but frustrating--it's always frustrating when my mind doesn't want to let go of my attention and I can't tell I'm mind identified so I think it's hard.

I've noticed when I feel my inner body (my consciousness of Truth), my vision snaps to a single point and I feel very still. When I'm thinking, my eyes dart all over the place.

The act of centering my attention into my body feels sustainable because it's not a thought. In the past, all of my "being in the Now" techniques have been thought based: silent counting, thinking "Breathe in and raise your vibration, Breathe out and release your resistance," thinking in mantras or affirmations. Physically feeling my breath worked exactly once (and miraculously at that) but I've had a hard time keeping my focus on my breath without thinking about it too.

When I go to feel my inner body, I can feel myself stop thinking. I can feel my attention return to the Now. It's almost like tripping, in that I become still and see how wild this moment really is.

What's cool about "feeling the inner body" is that when you feel for something, eventually you're going to find it. Yesterday as Kel and I walked downtown, I started to feel like I was petting a rabbit's foot in my chest with my attention. It felt wonderful for a minute, but I remembered that Tolle suggests not getting too attached to visions or visualizations related to the inner body, because they are thought forms too.

One of my favorite tools from Practicing the Power of Now is this: "Ask yourself: Is there joy, ease, and lightness in what I am doing? If there isn't, then time is covering up the present moment, and life is perceived as a burden or a struggle."

Yesterday I woke up a little tired and asked myself, "Is there ease in what I'm doing?" My mind replied with a hearty NO, so I tried to feel my inner body. Instantly my attention was pulled back to the present moment, staring at my feet in the bathtub. I felt better right away.

Tolle says "Enlightenment means rising above thought." I feel like my whole life design practice the past 2 years has been about releasing thought, or rising above it, or whatever. Sometimes I just can't believe how hard it is. It's mindblowing that our entire culture, society, race--whatever--has been completely dominated by thought. And how bizarre is it that there is infinite life BEYOND thought?!

Here are some more Tolle ideas from Practicing the Power of Now: Essential Teachings, Meditations, and Exercises From The Power of Now to help us remember what to do when it comes to presence and feeling the inner body:

"To stay present in everyday life, it helps to be deeply rooted within yourself; otherwise, the mind, which has incredible momentum, will drag you along like a wild river.

It means to inhabit your body fully. To always have some of your attention in the inner energy field of your body. To feel the body from within, so to speak. Body awareness keeps you present. It anchors you in the Now." -p 59

"To become conscious of Being, you need to reclaim consciousness from the mind. This is one of the most essential tasks on your spiritual journey. It will free vast amounts of consciousness that previously had been trapped in useless and compulsive thinking. A very effective way of doing this is simply to take the focus of your attention away from thinking and direct it into the body, where Being can be felt in the first instance as the invisible energy field that gives life to what you perceive as the physical body." -pp 59-60

"The key is to be in a state of permanent connectedness with your inner body--to feel it at all times. This will rapidly deepen and transform your life. The more consciousness you direct into the inner body, the higher its vibrational frequency becomes, much like a light that grows brighter as you turn up the dimmer switch and so increase the flow of electricity. At this higher energy level, negativity cannot affect you anymore, and you tend to attract new circumstances that reflect this higher frequency.

If you keep your attention in the body as much as possible, you will be anchored in the Now." -pp 64-65

40 Day Prosperity Plan: Day 14

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40 Day Prosperity Plan Day 14: Through my consciousness of my God-Self, the Christ within, as my Source, I draw into my mind and feeling nature the very substance of Spirit. This substance is my supply, thus my consciousness of the Presence of God within me is my supply.

This coincides so perfectly with Practicing the Power of Now. Tolle says that your inner body is your portal to the Now--to the infinite, the unknown, source. My consciousness of my inner body is the same as my consciousness of the Presence of God within me.

I am learning to be one with life, and trust the flow. Another beautiful Tolle idea: "You can always cope with the Now, but you can never cope with the future--nor do you have to. The answer, the strength, the right action, or the resource will be there when you need it, not before, not after."

Learning to have faith/belief/knowing in that idea is literally hard to swallow--I'm sitting here choking on my own spit as I try to type. It contrasts so starkly with my parents' version of security, which comes with a dollar sign.

I am so grateful to be learning the only true kind of security, the security of being one with life.

The more I stay in touch with my inner body (my consciousness of the Presence of God), the more wonderful manifestations occur. We sold a book to our friend's parents, which was shocking and so flattering. A friend at brunch complimented my "mindfulness posts" which blew me away--I had no idea she read my site! And then we had a visit from a long lost friend Lucy which was SUCH a major manifestation. Oh and Kelly got a haircut from a friend for free, and I got an amazing massage. It's almost as if everything is working out for us!

I see that true prosperity has nothing to do with money, but only being aware of the "fullness of life" as Tolle calls it. I feel prosperous when I get to be with my friends. I feel prosperous when we have money to go to a birthday brunch. I feel prosperous when my friend's parents support my work! I feel prosperous when my dad calls me to tell me he can fix a piece of furniture I have that broke! I feel prosperous when my dad talks so sweetly about his pet cat! (His compassion for felines is a recent development--as a child the saying always went, "The only good cat is a dead cat!")

I feel prosperous when it's 70º in February and I get to bike clear through Austin, effortlessly. I feel prosperous when there are bike lanes and light traffic. I feel prosperous when we go to the grocery store and spend $9 on vegetables. I feel prosperous when it's easy to bike 14 miles. I feel prosperous when I get to visit my old neighborhood.

I feel prosperous when I get surprise texts from friends at 9am and I'm actually awake and dressed. I feel prosperous when I have plans I'm looking forward to. I feel prosperous when I crush on friends I've had for years. I feel prosperous when people ask us for website advice.

I feel prosperous when my favorite song comes on Pandora. I feel prosperous when I don't need money to feel prosperous!

I feel prosperous when my wife falls asleep in my arms. I feel prosperous when my kitties are so happy we're home. I feel prosperous when Kelly takes care of our plant Cecil!

40 Day Prosperity Plan: Day 13

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40 Day Prosperity Plan
Day 13: I am conscious of the Inner Presence as my lavish Abundance. I am conscious of the constant activity of this Mind of infinite Prosperity. Therefore, my consciousness is filled with the Light of Truth.

Being the observer of thought is how to connect to the divine presence. It's how to BE the divine presence. If you are watching your thoughts, you are the silent watcher, the infinite, the unknown.

We sat for 15 minutes this afternoon. I asked, "What is it I need to know?" The answer: "You have to let go of things to make space for new things to come in. It's time to let go."

There are so many things taking up space in my life. If I let them go, there would be a lot of space for new things to come in. If could let go of my addictions and make space. I could let go of junk food and alcohol and weed and caffeine (mmm maybe not caffeine right away)*. There would be so much space without those things. I am afraid to be without them because I am afraid that nothing would fill those space. I understand my attachment to these things is fear. I understand that I cling to these things because I don't trust life to take care of me. Life won't comfort me, so I turn to these things to comfort me.

I am letting go of these false comforts and welcome the comfort of emptiness, of space, of the unknown, of being one with life.

If I let go of these comforts, I will receive comfort from life that is bigger and better than I could imagine. This is my new belief.

*Oh and not to mention the false comfort of Internet/social media/compulsive insta-gmail-twitter-fb. Baby steps.

40 Day Prosperity Plan: Day 11

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40 Day Prosperity Plan Day 11: God is lavish, unfailing Abundance, the rich omnipresent substance of the Universe. This all providing Source of infinite prosperity is individualized as me — the Reality of me.

Got up early. By the time we went to meditate we were super tired so we laid in the bed. Miraculously I did not fall asleep. But Linty did lay on me so that was abundant to start with.

All I've been focusing on is this, from day 10 of the prosperity plan: keep your mind and thoughts off of the world.

It's the same as "getting off the roller coaster." Don't let the world affect your vibe. Your world is created BY your vibe.

40 Day Prosperity Plan: Day 10

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40 Day Prosperity Plan Day 10: I keep my mind and thoughts off "this world" and I place my entire focus on God within as the only Cause of my prosperity. I acknowledge the Inner Presence as the only activity in my financial affairs, as the substance of all things visible. I place my faith in the Principle of Abundance in action within me.

Today I remembered that I have a very effective process for meditation that has worked for me since I was 16. I first activate each chakra by visualizing it light up with each breath, thinking "Breathe in and raise your vibration. Breathe out and release your resistance."

Once my chakras are activated, I thank source for coming into me, and for whatever other things I feel particularly grateful for. Then I put in my request in the form of a prayer. "Dear source, please help me keep my focus and faith in this prosperity plan."

I go back to my breath until the time is up. When the bell rings I think, "I now return this energy which hasn't been used to the earth. Thank you for helping me."

40 Day Prosperity Plan: Days 8 & 9

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40 Day Prosperity Plan Day 8: My consciousness of the Spirit within me as my unlimited Source is the Divine Power to restore the years the locusts have eaten, to make all things new, to lift me up to the High Road of abundant prosperity. This awareness, understanding and knowledge of Spirit appears as every visible form and experience that I could possibly desire.

Yesterday we meditated before the gym but didn't have time to write before we left. As soon as we were home and showered we had an impromptu birthday party that lasted until 11am. I am feeling very prosperous. Also we sold some art!

I practiced thinking in my mantra, "Get off the rollercoaster," for most of the day. Until I started drinking of course, then thinking becomes a dull hum in the background. But I got to drink with friends and have lots of inspiring conversation about my current epiphanies.

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Day 9: When I am aware of the God Self within me as my total fulfillment, I am totally fulfilled. I am now aware of this Truth. I have found the secret of life, and I relax in the knowledge that the Activity of Divine Abundance is eternally operating in my life. I simply have to be aware of the flow, the radiation, of that Creative Energy, which is continuously, easily and effortlessly pouring forth from my Divine Consciousness. I am now aware. I am now in the flow.

We woke up this afternoon to a donation and a new SoLD subscriber! I have an inbox full of abundance. We also had a flawless experience taking the bus downtown to make some notepads at kinkos. It was a miracle, truly in the flow day.

Once we got back from our adventure we sat for 15 minutes. I am remembering to watch my breath. "God is breathing in. God is breathing out."

All I keep thinking about was how much I love get off on comforting people one on one. Like I'm a trip guide for life. I don't think it's wrong to perpetuate a reality where people need comfort--it's all part of the game. It's nice to think that I can help others in my unique way.

40 Day Prosperity Plan: Day 7 / Addiction Therapy

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Prosperity Plan Day 7: The Divine Consciousness that I am is forever expressing its true nature of Abundance. This is its responsibility, not mine. My only responsibility is to be aware of this Truth. Therefore, I am totally confident in letting go and letting God appear as the abundant all sufficiency in my life and affairs.

I fell asleep while meditating today. I'm trying to get off coffee and the first day can be hard. I read, "Therefore, I am totally confident in letting go and letting God appear as the abundant all sufficiency in my life and affairs," then leaned backwards onto my yoga mat. I smushed my cold hands under my robed bottom and closed my eyes.

Today I felt tormented by addiction to such mainstream crap as beer and fried food. TORMENTED, I tell you! Every day I vacillate in attitudes between "FUCK YEAH I DO WHAT I WANT" and "FUCK ME WHY DO I ALWAYS SELF SABOTAGE".

I want to create my best work but then there is always a bottle of whiskey to finish or a bowl to smoke, and I've given up the preschool notion that I can create while fucked up.

So I go 5 days without drinking or smoking and feel so good and I reach this point where I feel good and good things are happening but it's like the natural high is wearing off... Even though good things are happening I don't feel as good anymore, so why NOT have a drink? Why NOT loosen up my mental knots with a 1 hitter?

I am so terrified to be honest in my writing and with myself, what if I get caught talking about smoking weed! My fear of authority is so outlandish even I don't take it seriously.

Then I find my band of girls on the Internet that make me feel better about myself, Cat Marnell, Rabbit White, Sadderall. I wish I could go back to my more hard-drug infested life because there are people who still have fun in this lifestyle, why can't I? Why do I have to get attached to every tiny thing that I like, dragging it around with me until I trip over it?

I miss the way I would open up my consciousness and marvel at all the dark, slimy bits. Now I jerk paragraphs of gratitude out of my fingers like I'm masturbating a dry vag, trying to get the tiniest semblance of good feeling out of my "work".

That's not true! screams some voice that I'm not sure if it's my higher self, my mind, or an internalized version of Kelly/my dad.

My writing practice is worthwhile and it is nice to think about what I'm grateful for but you know what today I am just going to write whatever I want and stop caring about following a formula so I can trick myself into feeling better so I can manipulate my mind into thinking good thoughts so I can transform my reality into something "better".

This is the only reality you got, sister. Time to start appreciating the dark, slimy bits.




I'm filled with incredible relief, to think that I could write without being formulaic. Without forcing a smile. But wait! Aren't you retreating into the person you used to be? The teenager angry about how unfair life is, the 21 year old vomiting because she thinks her insides are poison??

Who knows? *Lights one hitter*

I certainly can't keep thinking about "positivity" and I've about had it up to here with my "tips". Those tips are great the first time I realize them, but...

Quit questioning your own work! Stand behind your own work! You would be more successful if you felt more successful! Be proud of what you've accomplished!

And tears sting in my eyes (to use an overused phrase that is convenient right now), because I can hear that time it's my mom's voice. I'm trying, mom! I'm trying so hard to believe in myself! I'm trying to do what I think I'm supposed to, and I'm also doing what I think I'm not supposed to, and once in a while I just stop trying and I see it's all as it's supposed to be! What more can I FUCKING DO???

And I remember my earlier thoughts today, thinking about addiction being a "condition" passed down through families, I used to think my family was so perfect and immune, that I better be the one to dirty it up! But they were all already dirty they just wanted me to think I was clean, I don't know maybe something could change then...

I have framed my life long existential crisis as magickal *LIFE DESIGN*! And now I can hear my higher self coming to whisper, your life is magickal. It's all magickal. It's a cycle and you're going to keep going down and up but every time you go up you say it's worth it. You came to know the pattern of on/off have/want and now it's yours.

Why don't materially wealthy people do "the prosperity plan"? Why, after all these years, can I still not think and eat LESS? Why am I concerned with becoming physically LESS?

Why am I perpetuating these questions as reflections of my belief system? Why can't I change my beliefs faster? Why can I change my beliefs? Why do I feel like I'm talking in a spiral?

If I were a doctor, I would prescribe a big ol' dose of DMT right now.

*My mind shrieks from the corner* DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TOOK TO BUILD THIS MENTAL STRUCTURE????

Then I realize I am asking for radical change, mental earthquakes and ...

All I know is I cannot get involved. I can start looking more closely at the dark and slimy bits, but I must detach. I must get off the roller coaster.

The roller coaster of basing how I feel/my self worth on
- what I ate
- how much I exercised
- how much money I make
- how I make money
- what I say
- who I say it to
- Internet engagement (i.e., likes)
- how my partner feels
- how much attention I get

Will I finally be happy when I eat 1200 calories a day, workout 2 hours a day, make $60,000 a year, become Instagram famous, make everyone happy, and have everyone in the building crushing on me?

My mind is sooooooo tempted to say yes.
Yes, then I will be skinny. Yes, then I will not have to worry. Yes, then I will be able to pursue the things I really want to do. Yes, then my work will probably be better. Yes, then I will be so distracted by flirting that all of life will be 100% fun.

Let's wrap up this elaborate therapy session. So, what I'm hearing from you, higher self, is this:
"Get off the roller coaster. Be happy today."

And from my mind I hear,
"Only when I have become the person I want to be can I be happy."

Ok mind. The person I want to be is getting off the roller coaster.