In response to my embarrassing coming out story, Jered Schue asked me what I’m going to do to change. What am I going to promise to myself? Obviously I got myself into this predicament, I can get myself out.
Budgeting? Not my style. Cutting up my credit cards? Tempting, but too complicated for me to even think about right now (although I still haven’t used one since April 4. Huge deal.)
I let the question sit for days, and asked for the answer to come in meditation. I know that taking action isn’t the answer, so it would have to be actions I could stop taking. Stop doing. Let go of.
It just came to me while meditating about half an hour ago. For 30 days, beginning Monday April 15, I’m going to rehab. Jessica Mullen’s School of Life Design Rehab for Thought, Drug, Alcohol, and Credit Card Addicts.
1. Straightedge, baby!
Someone actually emailed me suggesting I “might go sober.” My first thoughts: no way! Too simple! I like having fun! People who don’t drink don’t have any crazy stories!
Then she says “HOT DAMN it’s so radical and lovely to be even caffeine free” and I know she’s right. She reminds me of my therapist I loved so dearly.
Drugs have shown me so much, but I do want to get “there” naturally. I want ecstasy without the E. I want to feel one with the universe without DMT. I want to feel so proud of myself for being so brave without the mushrooms. I want to feel carefree and fun without the alcohol. I want to feel in awe of life without weed. I want to know the big picture while dead sober. That’s true power.
2. 15 minutes of seated meditation every day, no excuses.
So… I took a few months off meditating because I was too busy having fun. Life got good, and I coasted. But as Kamal Ravikant talks about in Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It, you still have to do the work when you feel good. That’s what keeps the good times rolling.
This is an easy habit to get back into. Meditating is fun and exquisitely rewarding.
3. Eat vegetarian. Eeeease back into vegan.
I just stopped caring. I had too many drunken cheeseburgers to eat. But I know I feel better when I’m not eating flesh.
4. Say “I love myself” to myself all day, every day.
Everything else is way too stressful to think about right now.
5. Take my own advice.
Mainly I want to do my own worksheets every day because they work so well. In a perfect world, I would do a Daily Planner, a Daily Self Love, a Gathering Momentum, a Universal Order Form, a Life Story, a Flower of Life Design Template, and a Practice the Feeling of Abundance worksheet every day. Well fuck it then, I’ll print out a 30 day supply, make little packets for each day, and see where it takes me. I commit.
This is a killer experiment. I didn’t even ask Kelly if she wants to do it with me yet. I have to commit before telling anyone or I’ll care too much what they think. I gotta do what I gotta do. I’m doing me.
But first, I’m going to have to finish this bottle of vodka. Cheers!
Why do we drink so much coffee? Most of us may answer something like, “I drink coffee because I don’t have enough time to sleep as much as I should.” Life is too exciting, there’s too much to see, and way too much to do. How can anyone keep up with the speed of business and technology if they sleep 8 hours a night?!
We are so dependent on caffeine because of the limiting beliefs surrounding it. It’s one of those things like deodorant that we just don’t question much because it’s so ingrained in our daily lives. But as I learn to focus on being the Now, I’m realizing I use caffeine and other stimulants because I’m not fully trusting the flow of life to take care of me.
The limiting beliefs of caffeine
1. Without caffeine, I won’t have enough energy to do the things I don’t want to do.
2. Without caffeine, I won’t have enough energy to do the things I DO want to do.
3. Without caffeine, I can’t keep up with everyone else in the business world.
4. Without caffeine, I’ll be in a bad mood because I’ll be tired.
5. Life just isn’t as fun without something outside of me to make me feel good.
Every one of those beliefs is terribly flawed, as I’m sure you can see. I don’t need to get into the why’s—you know that each one of those thoughts is a trained belief that has been installed and perpetuated by our collective society. But what is behind each one of those beliefs? A lack of trust in the process of life.
Life knows the way
The thing about life is that it’s much simpler than we build it up in our minds to be. There is a glue that holds us all together, and that glue communicates with us through our emotions. When we feel good, we’re working with the glue. When we feel bad, we’re struggling against the glue—a hopeless battle. The glue (or flow, or source, or god, etc) always knows what’s up, because the glue IS everything. So when you feel the glue telling you something via your emotions, such as “All I want to do is sleep,” then LISTEN. Don’t drink coffee to battle the glue. It will always fail, and you will continue to feel worse because you aren’t listening to what life is telling you what to do.
Life wants so badly to bring you to the things you want. It doesn’t care what you want, it just wants to co-create with you and flow from here to there. When you listen to your emotions, you are letting life guide you towards what you want.
So right now, life is telling me that I don’t have to skimp on sleep or be hyper on espresso to get what I want. Life will take me to where I want to go in a way that is easiest and most comfortable for me. On the days when it’s important for me to get up early, life will wake me up before my alarm clock. On days when nothing I do could change a thing, life will let me sleep for 12 hours. It’s not my job to decide how much sleep I need. It’s not even my job to set my alarm. If I fully trust the flow of life, the flow of life will take me exactly where I want to go. And I’ll feel so much less cracked-out when I get there.
Note: this article is written to those of us in the throes of caffeine addiction, not casual drinkers. Everything in life is delicious in moderation, it’s only when we begin to rely on things outside of ourselves to feel good that we lose connection to our own internal guidance systems.
The other day, I asked the universe to deliver me a Burning Man world. I just wanted it to be ok for me to sit still and bask in visual hallucinations. I wanted to enjoy just being, while gazing at the ever changing beauty of the Now. Is that so much to ask?! Haha… well, the universe hooked it up as usual.
Yesterday Kelly and I had some time to live before work. As we excitedly browsed strip malls far from our own neighborhood, the flow pulled us into a little store called Kids-N-Cats. Within we found an assortment of treasures, stash boxes and toys. Our one purchase: a Jumbo Glitter Wand Kaleidoscope (similar to this one).
As I gazed through the test model in the store, I knew my desire had manifested. I stared into the tube, transfixed, until we had to leave. Then for another several minutes in the car. Then another 10 once we got home. Then more. Then more. I was addicted!
Kaleidoscope gazing is a form of visual meditation that can pull one instantly into the Now. After my little gazing sessions, when I close my eyes, I can still see the flowing patterns. I’ve never found an easier way to stop thinking, because the view is just too beautiful to be concerned with much else.
Whenever you feel bad or get your feelings hurt, just look into a kaleidoscope and count to ten and you’ll feel better. It’s like a magick wand. It helps you release resistant thoughts, allowing what you want to flow to you.
Kaleidoscope gazing as a cure for Amblyopia (Lazy Eye)
Last night as I looked through the ‘scope with my “good” eye, I physically felt an imbalance—my “bad” eye was basically screaming “let me try it!” I held it up to my right eye, which normally can’t focus on much, and gasped as I began to comprehend what I was seeing. What my left eye makes out as clear shapes of glitter and confetti, my right eye interpreted as fractals. It was as if my right eye was finally seeing the proper “depth” it was tuned to. It made me realize that my developmental “problem” was really just a manifestation of the thought pattern “this reality isn’t deep enough!”
My eye hungrily drank in the flowing fractals, ecstatic to finally see something. I relaxed and basked in the manifestation I’d been wanting for 29 years. And guess what happened? The longer I looked, the clearer the actual shapes in the ‘scope became. My eye was getting stronger by the moment. I can still hardly believe it, but I think I finally found a way to combine the vision of my “normal” eye with the vision of my “screwy” eye (as they called it in middle school!). I never imagined my desire for a “Burning Man world” would manifest in such a monumental manner.
A metaphor for life
Life itself is a kaleidoscope—every moment is beautiful, but you can never hold onto one. It is always flowing, always surprising, and always perfect. Every tiny sparkle and movement is infinitely reflected in dazzling patterns stretching as far as the eye can see. Kaleidoscopes are just another fractal of the universe itself; it’s amazing what simplicity can teach. Thank you, universe.
Below is a brief video of the view through the ‘scope, though it doesn’t come close to the real thing! I highly recommend trying it out for yourself. If you are a “visual” person, this is the magick wand for you. Check it out on Amazon, and if you’d like to support the School of Life Design, please use my affiliate link to make your purchase :]